


I don't want to know who I am without you

by emilia_kaisa



Category: Still Star-Crossed (TV)
Genre: A LOT of Angst, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Emotional, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, Heartbreak, How Do I Tag, Not a lot tho, Strangers to Lovers, kind of
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-17
Updated: 2018-07-07
Packaged: 2018-12-03 08:04:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 21,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11528046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilia_kaisa/pseuds/emilia_kaisa
Summary: ‘We’ve information that Motagues are planning something that could let them overpower us and take over sixty percent of the market.’ her uncle said and Rosaline nodded shortly. She had heard the rumours in corridors and if they were true, they could mean something bad for Capulet Industries. Montagues were their biggest competition in the field and that made them their sworn enemies. If they had a new strategy, that could mean big trouble for the Capulet’s company.‘How can I help you with that?’Her aunt looked at her with a smile that was half cruel and half pleased, like a cat who just had eaten a very fat mouse. Rosaline knew that smile and it always made her shiver.‘You’ll seduce Benvolio Montague.’





	1. bad blood

**Author's Note:**

> I'm obsessed with rosvolio, what more can I say.  
> I apologise for any spelling errors, English is not my first language.  
> Title from 'Agape' by Bear's Den (all chapter titles taken from their songs).  
> I know nothing about the world of business, I just need an excuse to write angst.

 

Rosaline tapped her knee nervously as she glared at a clock hanging on a wall in front of her. Her aunt and uncle had sent her a message to wait for them in that office and now they were late. Rosaline took a deep breath, trying to calm herself down a little bit. She didn’t like it when they were calling her to stop by their office. Sure, they were family and she was working for them, but she enjoyed that her low position in the company didn’t force her to see them everyday. That was the reason she had moved out from their house- the less contact the better.

She couldn’t wait to be independent enough to find another job. She would leave Capulet Industries, but she couldn’t; her aunt and uncle had paid for her college and now she had to pay them back by working for them. She only needed two more years and she would be free.

‘Oh, you’re here.’ her aunt entered the office, mr Capulet right behind her. They stopped in front of Rosaline, looking at her sharply from across that big wooden desk, and Rosaline suddenly felt very small.

‘Why did you call for me?’ she asked, trying to sound calm and professional ‘Is there something I can do for you?’ 

She thought how weird it was that they both wanted to talk to her. They were the owners of the company but it was her uncle who was handling most of the business stuff. The fact that mrs Capulet was there too made her feel very uneasy. 

‘There is something you need to do for us.’ her aunt said and Rosaline felt a rush of anger. Yeah, they were her bosses, but they were in no power to order her all the time. But still, she straightened herself and let a fake smile spread on her face.

‘Yes?’

‘We’ve information that Motagues are planning something that could let them overpower us and take over sixty percent of the market.’ her uncle said and Rosaline nodded shortly. She had heard the rumours in corridors and if they were true, they could mean something bad for Capulet Industries. Montagues were their biggest competition in the field and that made them their sworn enemies. If they had a new strategy, that could mean big trouble for the Capulet’s company. 

‘How can I help you with that?’

Her aunt looked at her with a smile that was half cruel and half pleased, like a cat who just had eaten a very fat mouse. Rosaline knew that smile and it always made her shiver.

‘You’ll seduce Benvolio Montague.’

Rosaline was so shocked that she didn’t react immediately. These words made no sense. It had to be a joke. But her aunt was still smiling, that awful smile of her, and Rosaline knew that she wasn’t joking. She suddenly felt sick. Benvolio Montague. She barely knew who he was. She had seen him maybe two or three times on some banquets. She knew that he was Romeo’s best friend and at that thought she felt even more sick.

‘Why...’ her voice was so hoarse she had to cough before she spoke again ‘I won’t do it. I don’t even want to know your reasons. No.’ she stood up, ready to leave, when she heard her uncle’s voice.

‘You want Livia to finish her medic school, right?’

Rosaline froze. She knew when he was going with that.

She looked at them once again, her aunt smiling, her uncle looking a bit uncomfortable, but with determination written all over his face.

‘Do it and consider your debt paid. So Livia’s.’

Rosaline couldn’t breathe. 

She turned around, feeling like blind, and left the office. Maybe it was only her imagination, but she could swear she hear her aunt’s laugh.

Later that day, Rosaline poured herself a glass of cheap read wine and settled on her small sofa. She wished she could call Livia and tell her all about it, but she couldn’t. 

Rosaline felt sick that she even considered agreeing on that. It was wrong on so many levels. She closed her eyes, thinking about Benvolio Montague. She couldn’t even recall his face, she just had an impression that he was pretty good looking. She remembered when Juliet referred to him as ‘surprisingly decent’. That was all. She knew nothing about him and she wanted it to stay that way.

Then she thought about Livia. About her younger, bright sister, that was following her dream to become a doctor. Without Capulet’s money, it would be incredible hard for both of them to afford Livia’s education. It would be possible, but Rosaline didn’t want her sister to struggle with debts and money problems for half of her life. She deserved better than that.

Rosaline reached for her laptop, her hands hovering over a keyboard. She felt a rush of shame and cursed herself silently, and then she quickly typed a name.

She had been right, he was pretty handsome. She found a few pictures of him, almost all from some official parties or meetings. All she could take from them was that he looked good in a suit, but didn’t like to be photographed. She also found a short article about the Montague Company, but there was nothing interesting in there. After that short research Rosaline rubbed her temples, feeling exhausted. It felt so ridiculous, that whole idea. Riduculous and so, so wrong. She knew that, so why was she even considering doing it?

Livia was the most important person in her life, her only true family. She would do anything for her to have the life she deserved. 

One day later she was sitting in front of her uncle, this time much calmer than before. She couldn’t believe that she was actually doing that but she hushed a voice in her head that was screaming with disgust.

‘Have you decided?’ her uncle asked and Rosaline noticed with some kind of satisfaction that he seemed to be a bit uncomfortable. She was sure that whole plan was her aunt’s idea anyway.

‘What exactly are you expecting of me?’

‘We want you to gain his trust, so he shares with you information about the company.’ mr Capulet explains quickly ‘Most important, the plans of their new strategy... what is their advantage they want to use against us.’ he stopped and looked at Rosaline ‘What your aunt said... you don’t have to... I mean...’

‘I understand.’ Rosaline cut him off. She just had to get close to him. No one said she would have to sleep with him, there were other ways to make him open up.

‘Does it mean you agree?’

‘You’ll still pay for Livia’s school?’

‘Yes.’ her uncle nodded ‘We won’t demand anything else in return.’

Rosaline thought about the man she saw on the pictures, with a bit stiff silhouette and face that was telling her nothing. Then she thought about her sister, her joyful laugh and eyes full of light. She would be free, they both would finally be free.

‘I agree.’


	2. dew on the vine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for kind comments, you're my motivation!

 

 

‘Here you go.’ a bartender handed Rosaline her drink and she nodded shortly. The club she was in wasn’t very crowded yet; she had never been there before, but it made quite a good impression on her. The room was nice, drinks were fine and not too expensive. She almost wished she had know this place before, she already felt so much better than in any club Escalus had dragged her into.

She flinched at the thought of him and took a sip of her drink. She didn’t want to think about him now, she had things to do. She had found that place after a short stalking of Benvolio’s social media and she noticed a convenient pattern- almost every Friday night he was being tagged by someone called Mercutio- apparently his friend- in that very club. That was why Rosaline was there, wearing a nice dress and looking around carefully, searching for a face she memorised from some photos.

It didn’t take long before she spotted him, sitting at the bar at well and taking with some tall guy, probably his friend. He was all smiles and vivid gesticulation, and Rosaline felt pressure in her stomach. She looked away and took a big sip of her drink, then pulled out a phone from her purse.

** to Juliet **

**_ Havent’t heard from you in a long time. Let me know if you’re okay. _ **

**__ **

‘Rosaline?’

Rosaline almost dropped her phone. She hadn’t heard that voice in a long time and now she didn’t know if she was happy or not. For sure she was surprised. She turned around and faced the other person, forcing her lips to smile.

‘Isabella. Didn’t know you’re back.’

She looked good, in a classy purple dress and hair tied in a bun. Rosaline’s mind wandered briefly to the past, when they had been best friends. When she and Escalus had been together. 

‘Yeah, we came back two weeks ago.’ Isabella said and Rosaline felt an unwanted sting of disappointment. They had been friends, after all. She thought they would let her know they were coming back. But on the other hand, why should they; they had barely contacted her for the past two years.

‘So, how was Europe?’ she asked politely, but she didn’t want to know in that moment. She didn’t need any distraction. 

‘Everything I ever dreamt about.’ Isabella smiled and Rosaline suddenly felt irritated. She wanted to say something, but no matching words were coming to her mind; luckily, Isabelle saved her that burden.

‘I need to go to my friends, but it was nice to see you again.’ she flashed Rosaline a smile and then she was gone, just like she had gone almost three years earlier.

Rosaline shook her head, trying not to think about it. She didn’t want to get all sad and angry again. She glared her phone, checking if there was any response from Juliet, but no, there was none.

Suddenly Rosaline felt very alone, and that feelings was cold and so unexpected that for a moment she couldn’t breathe. One tear ran down her cheek and she wiped it out angrily, irritated with her sudden weakness. She winished her drink in one long sip and breathed deeply, ready to get up and do what he had to do, when another voice stopped her.

‘Are you okay?’ she heard on her right and when she turned her head she looked right into Benvolio Montague’s bright eyes. 

She was too stunned to say anything, so she just watched as he sat on a stool next to her, but not too close. 

‘I’m sorry if I’m crossing some borders now. You looked... I just wanted to check if you were alright.’

Rosaline needed just a few seconds to get herself together. It wasn’t like she had planned but still it was a perfect opportunity.

‘Thank you. I’m just...’ she shrugged her shoulders and gave him a small smile; Benvolio apparently read the message correctly, because he moved closer and waved for a bartender.

‘Same one for the lady and whiskey for me.’ he asked and then turned his face to her ‘Hope you don’t mind.’

‘Not at all.’ she smiled a bit wider ‘I’m Rosaline Capulet.’

Realization flashed across his face as he gently shook her hand.

‘Benvolio Montague. Are you a niece of...’

‘Yeah.’ she cut him off with a sight and took a sip of her new drink. She had her story prepared, now she just had to sell it ‘But I don’t know if I’m the member of the family anymore.’

His eyes were bright and full of compassion as he nodded slightly.

‘You can tell me if you want, but no pressure.’

‘I guess it’d be good to talk to someone.’ she admitted and she was surprised how smoothly it was going. He nodded once again so she continued ‘It’s just... they never treated me like a family, you know?’ that one was true ‘Sure, they paid for my college and gave me job, but they reduced me to a person who just makes coffee.’ not true ‘I was tired of being treated like that so I left the company and moved out. Apparently, they felt personally offended and practically kicked me out of the family, if I can say that. So’ she raised her glass ‘that’s why I’m here, almost crying in front of a stranger.’

‘Well, not stranger anymore.’ Benvolio noticed and Rosaline had to smile slightly. So far so good.

Sha had considered lying about her indentity but too many people knew her and she had been on to many official meetings to try to go incognito. So her only other option was to convince Benvolio that she hated her family and wanted to have nothing to do with them (and vice- versa). She also lied about her position in the company because she didn’t want to be seen as a source of information. No, he was the one she was going to use.

‘Thank you.’ she smiled brightly ‘And I’m sorry for pouring it all on you.’

‘No, no worries. I understand.’

They looked at each other for a moment and Rosaline thought that if the circumstances were different, she would probably like him. But now she couldn’t allowe herself to feel anything, even plain sympathy. She had to remain calm and cold headed, that was the only way.

‘I’ve to ask you something.’ he said and she tilted her head, looking at him questioningly ‘Do you have any news about our cousins?’

That question caught her off guard and Rosaline could feel her smile falling. 

Of course, Benvolio was Romeo’s cousin and best friend. They probably stayed in touch, the same way she stayed in touch with Juliet.

‘Not lately.’ she said carefully and she noticed how his smile faltered a bit ‘But I’m sure they’re fine.’ 

‘Yeah.’ he agreed but he looked a bit absent minded ‘Yeah, for sure they are.’

He looked as if he wanted to say something more, but then someone yelled his name and he flinched a little.

‘Excuse me.’ Benvolio said as he slipped from his stool ’I gusss my friend can’t survive without me for too long.’

He was about to leave and Rosaline was disappointed. Everything was going so smoothly and it had to end so soon. She really tried not to look irritated as he gave her an apologetic smile. 

‘It was great meeting you.’ he said and she forced a smile, internally cursing his friend for interrupting them like that. Benvolio opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something more again, but in the end he just smiled again ‘I hope I’ll see you again.’ he added and just like that he was gone.

After Rosaline showered and changed into her pyjamas, she laid in her bed and tried to sum up the day. It didn’t went wrong, she had to admit. She still wished they talked for a bit longer, but it wasn’t bad for a start. Rosaline sighed and closed her eyes. He was nicer than she wished for, but that wouldn’t stop her. He could be all smiles and bright eyes, she wouldn’t break. Then she remembered when he had mentioned Romeo and her stomach clenched. She suddenly wished it was less complicated.

She grabbed her laptop and opened her facebook, wanting to write Livia and remind herself why she was even doing it. But when she opened the page the first thing she saw was a friend request. From Benvolio Montague. 

Rosaline stared for a few seconds at the screen before she accepted the invitation. 

Game on.

Three minutes later a message from him popped out.

_ Benvolio Montague _

_ Since I’m a fool and didn’t ask for your number, I figured fb would do. _

__

_ Rosaline Capulet _

_ Well I’m glad. I was afraid I scared you off.  _

Rosaline couldn’t believe how convenient it all was. She didn’t even have to try too much to get close to him, apparently she had his interest. Now she just had to play it carefully and maybe it would end quickly and harmlessly.

_ Benvolio Montague _

_ Nah, it was great meeting you. _

_ I was actually wondering if you’d like to meet sometime. _

_ For a drink or coffee, whatever you like. _

Rosaline blinked, surprised. That escalated quickly, but she didn’t mind. He was just making her job easier. 

_ Rosaline Capulet _

_ I’d like it very much. _

__

_ Benvolio Montague _

_ Great! I’ll write you soon then, I gotta go rn. _

_ Goodnight, Capulet. _

__

_ Rosaline Capulet _

_ Goodnight, Montague. _

__

Rosaline smiled slightly as she typed, using their surnames reminding herself that theoretically they should hate each other. It was surprising how quickly he bought her story. But did he really? She needed to make sure that he didn’t suspect anything and he wasn’t playing her, just like she was playing him.

She decided that it was too late to contact Livia, she was probably sleeping already, and Rosaline promised herself to call her the next day. So she laid in her bed, trying to figure out how to use Benvolio without him noticing and without her developing any kind of positive feelings. That second part was concerning her a little bit, to be honest. Benvolio was so far surprisingly nice, they way he had talked to her in the club and all. But in the end he meant nothing to her and she needed it to stay that way.

 

 


	3. You were kind and welcoming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your comments guys, you're great! I'm had some hard time with this chapter, but it has to be written, so. Next one will be up this week for sure!

 

Rosaline glared at her relfection in the mirror. She looked good, but she was careful not to ovedress herself. Jeans and a nice shirt, light make-up and hair tied up in a messy bun. Casual, but nice. For some time she was considering something more... exposing, but somehow she felt that it wouldn’t fit in Benvolio’s preferences. 

He had written her a day earlier, offering to take her for a coffee, and she had gladly agreed. She needed to get close to him and that was a perfect opportunity. He seemed to like her already and that was making her task incredibly easy so far. It was a bit suspicious, though. Maybe, despite her story, he was trying to get some information out of her? She needed to be careful.

Rosaline had never been in the place Benvolio invited her too, so it took her some time to find it. She had no expectations, but she was pleasently surprised when she entered the cafe. It looked like a mix of a bookstore and an art gallery, with tables hidden between bookshelves and canvas. The whole room had some good atmosphere; it was cosy and smelled like coffee, old paper and... ginger? 

It was definitely not a place she could imagine Benvolio Montague in, but there he was, sitting at the corner table with a book in his hands. He seemed to be very invested in his read and Rosaline almost didn’t want to interrupt him. But in the end, she had to. 

‘Hey.’ she greeted him when she made her way to the table. His head darted up and he almost threw his book on a shelf next to him. She caught a glimpse of some old building on its cover. Huh. Interesting.

‘Hi.’ Benvolio answered and he ran his hand through his har, nervous gesture that didn’t quite fit him. ‘Glad you found the place.’

‘Well, it took some googling.’ she admitted, sitting on a chair across him. 

She grabbed a menu and was pleasently surprised. They had to offer a bunch of different kinds of tea and coffee, accompanies with a wide range of snacks and lunch propositions that seemed to be very tasty. She couldn’t help but chuckle quietly when she read creative names on tea and coffe page.

‘I can’t believe that they called ginger tea  _ Van Gogh’s Portrait _ .’ she said and Benvolio smiled at her widely.

‘They’re pretty creative over here.’ he said and Rosaline couldn’t disagree. She already like the place. It was nice and comfy, nicer than many places she had been on a date in.

She shook her head slighly at the thought. She had to focus. 

She ended up ordering mysterious coffee named  _ Mona Lisa’s smile _ and Benvolio asked for  _ Impressionists’ Mix _ .

‘So, how did you find this place?’ Rosaline asked. She figured she had to find a topic that would be comfortable for him. Step by step.

Benvolio shrugged his shoulders as if he was embarassed.

‘Umm, so one day I was going back from this party. It was like, five in the morning.’ he gave her a slight, boyish smile ‘Let’s say I was feeling not very well so when I saw the opportunity I stopped for something hot to drink. It’s my favourite spot ever since.’

Rosaline nodded with a slight smile; she wasn’t surprised that much, but she still was wondering why he liked that place so much.

‘It’s a very nice place.’ she agreed and Benvolio gave her a small smile, and suddenly Rosaline wished he hadn’t done that. He had such a nice smile, bright and honest, and when he smiled Rosaline almost wished it wasn’t just a game for her.

Her train of thought was interrupted when a waitress brought their order and Rosaline was grateful for an excuse for few more seconds of silence. She took a sip of her coffee and was pleasently surprised when she felt a sting of spices and honey on her tongue, a suprising mix that tasted wonderfully.

‘Woah, it’s great.’ she said and Benvolio’s smiled grew even wider. 

‘Then I’m glad.’

They sat in silence for a few short minutes, enjoying their drinks, but it wasn’t very uncomfortable. Of course it was a tiny bit awkward, but Rosaline for sure had had worse. But after a few gulps of her coffee she decided to spoke first.

‘So, what were you reading before?’

A slight blush creeped on Benvolio’s cheeks as he run his hand through his hair.

‘Just somethig about the German Renaissance.’ he admitted, looking slightly embarassed, as if it was some shameful secret. Sure, it was a bit surprising, but not weird. And it was a perfect opportunity to start the conversation.

‘That’s interesting! Are you into art?’ she asked and Benvolio brighten up a little bit. Rosaline didn’t have a big knowledge in that topic, but she decided that it could work in her favour. She could ask him a million questions and feed his ego.

‘Yeah.’ he admitted, visibly more comfortable than before ‘This is kind of, um, my passion. I even went to an art school.’

‘Wow, this is great! So you’re an artist then?’ Rosaline asked and as soon as she said that she saw Benvolio’s expression changing, his lips pressed into a tight, bitter line. She cursed herself immediately, although she didn’t know if she had said something wrong.

‘It’s more like a hobby now.’ he said ’I had to drop off when our cousins...’ he sighed quietly anf Rosaline’s stomach dropped ‘When Romeo disappeared I became the only heir to my uncle. I mean, Romeo isn’t disowned, but you know how it works.’

Rosaline understood, she understood it better than he could expect. But she wished so much that thing with their cousins weren’t standing between them, a curse that couldn’t be wiped away. She hated how every mention of their names was causing her chest to hurt and painful memories to appear in her mind.

Two years earlier Romeo and Juliet had run away to be together and left their families with wounds that hadn’t fully healed yet. Rosaline had been so mad at her in the beginning. She had felt hurt and betrayed, but as the time passed she started to understand her. She knew that she wouldn’t do that- running away with a guy after six days of knowing each other- but two years had passed and they still were together, hidden happily in some corner of the world. And Rosaline was happy for them, she really was. But at the same time she couldn’t help but feel discomfort when they were mentioned. It was reminding her of how her aunt had been blaming her for all of that and how lonely she sometimes felt since Juliet’s disappearance. 

‘Hey, are you okay?’ she heard Benvolio’s voice and she tried to shake off unpleasant thoughts.

‘I’m sorry, I just drifted away.’ she explained quickly, feeling suddenly very tired. It was all going so wrong. How could it went from good to bad so quickly? She only reminded him about some painful memories and she wouldn’t be surprised if he would never want to meet her again.

‘I’m really sorry.’ she repeated, but it sounded weakly even in her own ears. She was still a bit shaken and she knew she fucked up big time. There was no way he would enjoy a conversation with her now.

But Benvolio Montague was really full of surprises. 

He moved a little bit closer and looked her straight at her, and Rosaline just now noticed how bright his eyes were.

‘It’s not our fault you know.’ he said, and his voice was calm and steady ‘Life’s not always like we planned, but we still have to make the best of it, right?’

Maybe these weren’t the wisest or most original words in the world, but they were still true, and Benvolio said them with such honesty that Rosaline actually felt a bit better. 

‘Damn, we really started with some heavy topics.’ she said, her voice a bit hoarse. Benvolio chuckled quietly and Rosaline saw how ridiculous that whole situation was. There she was, sitting in front of a man she had to befriend and then betray, and she was suddenly feeling connected with him in some strange way. It was already so much more she had signed up for. How could she ever thing that would be easy?

‘Well I guess it’s time to find some lighter ones.’ he said with a slight smile and slowly, after a few awkward pauses, their conversation was becoming smooth again. They talked about the city, exchanged some college memories. They both agreed that  _ The Empire Strikes Back _ is the best Star Wars movie. Then he drove her home and Rosaline went straight to her bed, throwing herself on it with a quiet groan. 

That day was... confusing, to say at least. She had went on a meeting with Benvolio with a simple plan- to get closer to him. And in the end it worked, but Rosaline wasn’t sure if it was all going in the right direction. The small heart to heart they had had, that whole date- despite herself Rosaline felt sympathy toward him, and she hated that. She hated that whole situation, she hated her aunt and uncle, and she hated herself a little bit too. 

Because she started to realize that Benvolio Montague was a good man. And she had promised to befriend him and then break his trust. She felt sick when she was thinking about it. 

She shut her eyes and took a deep breath. She was doing it for Livia. She was doing it for both of them, to escape that Capulet cage they lived in. They deserved that, after years of humiliation and hatred, after living with people that never cared for them.

Rosaline really, really wanted to believe that it was the truth.

 

 

 


	4. Fickle night you are a liar (and you made a fool out of me)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote in like, two hours, because my life is very messy rn, but I still hope you enjoy!

 

Rosaline was determined. 

She wanted to do that thing slowly and carefully, but she realized that doing it that way could be even more dangerous than rushing things a little. She wasn’t fooling herself- she started to like Benvolio Montague, and she couldn’t allow herself to go even further. For now it was a sympathy, some kind of connection between them, and that already was something very hard to deal with. She couldn't risk even more.

So she called Benvolio and asked him out. Just like that. She needed four days to recover from their last dates and she managed to get her priorities straight. 

Only Livia mattered in that case.

‘Hello, dear sister.’ Livia half- sang and Rosaline just had to smile ‘How are you?’

‘I’m good. Just missing you.’

‘Oh, I miss you too.’ Livia’s voice was soft ‘How’s work? Is aunt as annoying as always?’

Rosaline’s breath caught up in her throat as she tried to came up with some harmless lie, but Livia read it in her own way.

‘It’s a stupid question, I know.’

Rosaline just let out a strangled chuckle in response. 

‘So, big sister, what are you doing this beautiful Saturday?’

‘Looking for my yellow dress, actually.’ Rosaline answered before she could think about it, because that damn dress was on her mind all morning. She realized her mistake as soon as Livia gasped quietly.

‘Yellow dress as in your "sexy date yellow dress”?’

‘Yes Livia, exactly that one.’ Rosaline answered shortly, hoping that her sister would leave that topic alone. Hopeful wishing. 

‘Check that dresser in the corridor. Rosaline Capulet, are you having a date tonight?’

‘Well...’ Rosaline trailed off but that was enough for Livia.

‘Oh my God, you are? Who’s he? Is he hot? I can’t believe you haven’t told me!’

‘It’s nothing serious, Liv. I just met this guy at a bar and I guess I’d like to get to know him more. That’s all.’

‘Yeah, sure.’ Livia said and Rosaline almost could hear grin in her voice. ‘You better call me in the morning with a very descriptive relation of your hot date.’

‘Okay.’ Rosaline laughed shortly ‘And how are you? Any hot soon to be doctors?’

‘Not really. I’m focusing fully on school now. You know how important it’s for me.’

‘Of course I know. But I don’t want you spend all your time alone, burried in books.’

‘I won’t, I promise. I just want to have a good start, you know?’

‘Of course.’ Rosaline said and then added quickly ‘I love you, Liv.’

‘I love you too, big sister.’ Livia said softly ‘And I’m really happy for you, you know.’

‘I know.’ Rosaline said lightly, despite the fact that her stomach twisted a little at Livia’s words.

‘Okay Ros, I gotta run for my last class, but you have fun!’

When the call ended Rosaline went to the corridor and took her dress out of the dresser. Livia was right about it, it was her ultimate choice when she wanted to make an impression on some guy. The dress was made from a soft fabric in a warm shade of yellow- it wasn’t too pale, but also it wasn’t close to a neon. It was ending right above knees and had a nice v- neck. It was still pretty causal, the type that she could wear almost everywhere, but it was sexy enough to draw attention. Rosaline’s thoughts wandered to the moment when she had wore that dress on one date with Escalus. She still remembered the face ha had made when he saw her.

In the end, it didn’t matter.

She grabbed a dress and went to a bathroom, ready to turn herself into a goddess. She still didn’t plan on sleeping with Benvolio, but she decided to play a seduction card a little.

Apparently the dress did it’s job, judging by the look Benvolio gave Rosaline when they met outside her building. 

‘Wow, you look beautiful.’ he said and he almost seemed embarassed about that.

‘Thank you.’ Rosaline smiled brigthly in response and she could swear he blushed a little. Good.

‘So, where are we going?’ he asked as they sat in his car.

‘You’ll see.’ Rosaline said with a smirk and started giving him directions. After about twenty minutes she told him to park and they exited the car.

‘Capulet, where are you leading me?’ Benvolio asked, slightly suspicious.

‘You’ll see in a second.’ she said ‘I hope you’ll like it.’

‘You had my curiosity, now you have my attention.’ Benvolio answered and Rosaline chuckled at the movie reference.

A few minutes later they entered a small art gallery Rosaline had found some time before. It was a nice place that showed pretty nice pictures and sculptures. Rosaline hoped it was the right choice and judging by the way Benvolio’s face brighten up, she was right.

‘So they’ve this nice courses when they teach you how to draw. Or just let you draw in peace. I’m totally talentless in that field so I just figured I could use your love for art as an excuse.’ she joked and she saw a wide grin forming on Benvolio’s lips.

‘That... This is amazing.’ he said, ruffling his hair with his hand ‘I don’t even know what to say.’

‘Just don’t laugh at my work and we’ll be fine.’ she said and grabbed his hand, leading him to the back of the gallery where the course was taking place.

Rosaline was talented in a bunch of fields, but art for sure wasn’t one of them. She was trying hard, but in the end her bowl full of fruits lookes like some kid’s doodling. Benvolio’s work, on the other hand, was really impressive. Rosaline was gazing at him secretly when they were working, and she quickly understood that he really loved that; he was really lost in his work, but she could see sparks of happiness in his eyes. He looked calm and comfortable, and that was a good look on him. 

‘Well, that’s pretty good for a begginer.’ Benvolio said when she shown him her work. Rosaline just rolled her eyes.

‘Come on, it’s awful.’ 

‘Okay, it’s pretty bad.’ he laughed.

‘But yours is amazing, really.’ she said and she really meant it. Benvolio just shrugged his shoulders.

He drove her home in comfortable silence. Suddenly Benvolio pulled over a few blokes from her apartment and asked if they could walk from there. Rosaline didn’t mind, of course; she liked wwalking and it would give them some more time. And she needed time to convince him that he could trust her. 

‘Thank you for today, Rosaline.’ Benvolio said quietly as they started walking ‘It was a great day.’

‘I’m glad.’ Rosaline smiled ‘I was a bit scared that you wouldn’t like it.’

‘No, it was perfect.’ he said quickly. They walked in silence for a short moment and then Rosaline felt cold wing grazing her skin and she shivered slightly. She cursed herself for not taking anything to shield herself from late evening’s chill. 

Apparently Benvolio noticed, because he immediately took his jacket off and wrapped it over Rosaline’s shoulders, despite her weak and quiet protest.

‘Thank you.’ she said with a genuine smile ‘But we’re almost there.’

‘I know.’ he said simply, and Rosaline’s heart sped up for a shortest of moments.

Think about Livia, she told herself, focus on what you have to do. But no matter how he tried, it suddenly didn't seem to be enough.

‘Okay, that’s my place.’ Rosaline said, stopping in front of her building. Benvolio stood right in front of her, his blue eyes bright and focused on her. His gaze was so intense that Rosaline felt her throat going a little bit dry.

‘It’s the moment when I’m giving you your jacket back.’ she said, her voice a bit hoarse and God, she hadn’t planned it. 

‘It looks good on you.’ Benvolio said with a slight, boyish smile and Rosaline felt herself trembling a little. It was suddenly too intense, to hard to bear, and she knew that she should probably just say something charming and go home, but she couldn’t, his eyes keeping her in place.

Benvolio took a small step forward and Rosaline’s breath hitched, her heart speeding up. 

‘But this might be a moment when I kiss you.’ he said, his voice barely louder than a whisper. 

Everything in Rosaline was screaming that she shouldn’t do that. That it wasn’t right. But her gaze dropped to Benvolio’s lips and she was a goner. 

He kissed her and her thoughts evaporated. 

His lips were a little bit like his hands; a bit rough, but moving with care, as if she was something precious and fragile. Rosaline’s fist clenched on Benvolio’s shirt as she moved closer, wanting to feel more, to feel him better. But then he pulled off, way to soon for her, leaving her breathing heavily and desperate for more. 

His hand touched her cheek as he looked into her eyes with a smile that made him look a few years younger. 

‘You can keep my jacket till the next time.’ he said and Rosaline was almost mad that he didn’t sound as wrecked as she was feeling. And she was, she felt weakness in her limbs and fire in her veins, and she couldn’t collect her thoughts. 

He smiled at her, his eyes filled with softness she hadn’t seen in him yet.

She watched Benvolio go and suddenly she realized that she was going to break his heart.

 

 

 


	5. you give me no reason to doubt your word

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait and mistakes, I'm a bit sick and I forgot how to use English properly. Thank you so much for commenting, you're the best!

 

Rosaline reached her apartment on shaky legs and went straight to a bathroom. Her head was swimming as she stripped off of her dress and enetered the shower. She was still breathing heavily when the hot water hit her and she inhaled shakingly, trying to calm herself down. 

She let water pour down her face and she had this ridiculous thought that it would wash down the memory of Benvolio’s lips on hers. But it was still there, that lingering feeling that didn’t want to leave her skin and mind. 

Rosaline took a few deep, slow breaths and soon she managed to calm her racing heart a little. 

It wasn’t like she had never thought she would have to maybe kiss him. But she had never expected to feel like that. She was supposed to be cool, calm and calculated. Instead she was reduced to a trembling mess. 

‘Calm down, calm down.’ she muttered to herself, resting her forehead against cool shower wall. It was just a kiss. The only reason she took it so hard was because last person to kiss her was Escalus and that was like, two years earlier. It was just that. Nothing more. 

She spent almost half an hour in the shower, then changed into her most comfortable pyjama and curled under a blanket, hoping to wake up in a morning and be one hundred percent collected.

Rosaline woke up way to late for her liking and it took her only a few seconds to remember events from the day before. The memory was still messing with her head, but she felt definitely better. She got up slowly and wandered to the kitchen; she prepared some coffee and took a yoghurt from a fridge, her thoughts occupied with that complicated situation. Okay, she had enjoyed the kiss, so what? It didn’t mean anything. On the other hand, it meant that Benvolio felt some kind of atrraction to her, which was good. She wasn’t going to play on his feelings, she wasn’t cruel like that. She would try to stay close to him without givinig him any signs that she was interested in something more.

Because honestly, all she needed was to get into his apartment or his office and copy his files. She could do that. 

Right?

Her phone jingled cheerfully and Rosaline flinched at the sharp sound. 

It was a message about a missed call from Benvolio Montague.

Her heart skipped a beat as she wondered what she should do, unwanted memories filling her head once again. 

Focus, Rosaline, focus.

The phone jingled again with another message. 

_ Benvolio Montague _

_ Hi Rosaline. I hope I didn’t cross any borders yesterday.  _

_ If I did, I’m truly sorry. I hope you’ll let me take you for a dinner tonigh. _

Rosaline blinked, confused what she should do when another text appeared on her screen.

_ Benvolio Montague _

_ Or tomorrow. Whenever you want, honestly. I just want to see you again. _

__

Rosaline didn’t want to see him. She wanted to delete his number and never meet him again, never have to look at him and lie. She could do that, in theory. Step back. Leave him be and go back to her uncle’s company, and watch Livia struggle with money for half of her life. 

Rosaline really needed to do this quick.

_ Rosaline Capulet _

_ At what hour will you pick me up? _

After convincing Livia that the date had been okay and picking an outfit for the night Rosaline made herself a big mug of tea and sat down on her sofa. She needed to think about what she was going to do, and she knew that she had to be completely honest with herself.

Rosaline was ready to admit that she felt attracted to Benvolio. There was no point denying that; he was handsome and funny and nice, and she kinda liked him. Okay, she liked him. And if sitation was different, she would probably be happy to know him better, but now she didn’t want to know anything. 

She didn’t want to know his hobbies, which books he loved and what movies were making him cringe. She wanted so, so much.

But she couldn’t have any of that. 

Rosaline was in a situation that had no easy solution. Either way, she would hurt him. She just had to make sure that it wouldn’t affect her too much. 

She knew that she wasn’t fair. She knew that she was cold and calculated, maybe even cruel. She wished she hadn’t agreed, but now it was too late to back off.

With a heavy heart, Rosaline rose from the sofa and headed to the bathroom to get ready for her date.

Benvolio came in a cab and Rosaline felt like giggling hysterically when he jumped out of it to hold the door open for her. He looked nice, all cleaned up, wearing pants that for sure were a part of an elegant suit and a light blue shirt; Rosaline was glad that she had trusted her feeling and dressed up nicely. She was wearing a dress in a dark blue colour; it wasn’t as radiant as her special yellow dress, but it was more elegant and was complementing her look nicely.

‘So, where are we going?’ Rosaline asked quickly when the driver started the engine. She decided to speak first to avoid awkwardness. 

‘You’ll see.’ he said and she couldn’t help but smile widely. But Benvolio’s smile faded a little as he took a deep breath, looking down for a second ‘Look, Rosaline, about yesterday...’

‘It’s okay.’ Rosaline said and her hand rushed forward to touch his; she didn’t think about it at all, like she couldn’t control it, and she felt a chill when their hands touched.

Damn it, Rosaline, focus.

‘Yeah?’ he asked, and Rosaline thought that he sounded at least a little bit hopeful.

‘Yeah.’ she admitted and managed to smile.

She could do it, she could do it. 

He took her to a restaurant next to the river; it was an elegant place, but not too fancy, and Rosaline immediately fell in love with it. It had been ages since she was in a place like that and she forgot how nice it was to eat a dinner in such an atmosphere. She wasn’t a snob, but she liked to treat herself into some nice food and wine.

Well, now Benvolio was treating her, apparently. They chatted for a moment about the menu and a smiling waiter took their order and brought them a bottle of wine. It was good wine, much better from what Rosaline could usually afford. She was trying to save as much money as she could, hoping to be more independent after finishing work in her uncle’s company.

Benvolio looked at her as he took a sip from his glass, smile spreading on his lips. His gaze was intense and bright and Rosaline could feel her cheeks heating up. God, it would be so much easier if he wasn’t so damn charming. 

‘What?’ she finally asked, feeling a bit strange under his silent stare.

Benvolio shook his head lightly and smiled a bit wider.

‘You’re beautiful.’ he simply said and Rosaline’s heart stuttered. She didn’t know what to say to that, and even simple thank you didn’t want to leave her throat. 

She must have looked quite ridiculous like that because Benvolio chuckled quietly and asked how she was doing.

‘I’m fine.’ Rosaline managed to say, suddenly feeling dumb and speechless. 

‘And how’s your family?’ Benvolio asked easily and suddenly Rosaline’s mind went back on track. The question sounded suspicious and not so innocent to her, and once again it hit her that he might be trying to play her too. They hovering memory of Juliet also appeared in her mind but she pushed it aside quickly.

‘My uncle and aunt still don’t want to talk to me.’ she said easily, taking a sip of her wine and feeling a bit more confident. ‘Not that I mind.’

Benvolio narrowed his eyes in a silent question.

‘Our childhood wasn’t the best.’ 

‘Our?’ Benvolio asked curiously and Rosaline realized her mistake. She didn’t want to tell him about Livia, but now it felk like she didn’t have a choice. 

‘I’ve a younger sister, Livia. She's in med school in other state.’ Rosaline explained shortly; she really hoped he wouldn’t want to know more. It didn’t feel right to bring Livia into it, despite the fact that she was the only reason she was doing all of that. 

‘Wow. Didn’t know you had any sibling.’

‘She’s the most important person in my life.’ she said simply and she noticed that Benvolio’s face fell a little bit. He was an orphan, so it was logical that he felt quite uncomfortable or nostalgic while moving that topic. Could she be cynical enough and play on that feeling? 

Rosaline shrugged her shoulders.

‘You didn’t ask.’ she said with a small smile, taking a sip of her wine.

Just like she predicted, he dropped the family topic. 

‘So, what are you doing now?’ he asked instead and Rosaline understood that he was talking about work. She wasn’t prepared to that question so she just decided to go with the truth. Well, half of it.

‘When I was a teenager I wanted to be a writer, so now that I’ve more time I decided to get back to it. I’ve some savings and I’ll just see how it goes.’

‘Wow, that’s great!’ Benvolio was clearly impressed ‘Is it a novel or some poetry, or...?’

‘Actually, I feel the best at writing short stories. I know it’s not the most popular form, but for me... I can just tell the most thtough it.’ Rosaline answered; there were only a few people who knew about her passion for writing, but talking about it to Benvolio was suprisingly easy. She just knew that he would understand, with his passion to art.

‘You know, Alice Munro writes short stories too and she has a Nobel.’ Benvolio said with a grin and Rosaline couldn’t help but chuckle. 

‘You’re settling the bar really high for me.’

He looked at her with some strange softness in his eyes.

‘I believe in you.’ he said with a gentle smile and Rosaline felt butterflies in her stomach, and she understood that she was in trouble.

Luckily for her in that moment waiter brought their food, so they just enjoyed the meal, chatting about Spanish cuisine and starting a second bottle of wine. Rosaline knew that it was probably a bad idea to drink too much- she had planned to be collected and smart- but her own feelings were confusing her; she had been so determined to play it cool, but she couldn’t help but enjoy every second spent with him. 

‘Will you tell me about one of your stories?’ Benvolio asked suddenly and normally Rosaline would turn that request down. She didn’t like to talk about her works, but now it was different. She didn’t even know why, but it was. She decided she could blame it on wine.

’Its the one I’m writing currently. About a girl who meets a boy at very difficult point of her life.’

Benvolio smiled, smile that was all soft and gentle without a sign of mockery.

‘Are they in love?’ he asked and suddenly Rosaline’s mouth went dry and she could feel her face heating up, hearteat quicker with every second.

‘Not yet.’

She felt as if his eyes were seeing right through her.

‘Will they?’ he asked, his voice close to the whisper and Rosaline’s heart stuttered. In one second she forgot abpu the reason she was there, she forgot who they were.

‘Maybe.’ 

He smiled and he was suddenly just a boy with honest face and kindness in his eyes, and she was just a girl who had been waiting so long for someone to look at her the way he was looking at her right now. That girl wasn't cruel and cold, she was hopeful. 

So when he stood up and took her by the hand she didn’t hesitate. 


	6. old words lose all meaning as morning descends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo, if you wanted smut I must disappoint you. I'm not good at writing it at all, I still have difficulties with writing feelings so I guess I need more practice. Anyway, hope you enjoy and thank you so much for commenting and leaving kudos!

 

She didn’t think when they waited for a cab, their hand still linked, Benvolio’s thumb gently caressing her palm and sendind shivers down her spine.

She didn’t think when they sat right next to each other and Benvolio told the driver his adress. 

Then she had a glimpse of doubt, the slightest of stings somewhere in a back of her mind. 

But it took her one look right into Benvolio’s eyes to forget everything she should or shouldn’t do.

Benvolio had her pressed to the door right after they entered his apartment. 

‘We should move to the bedroom.’ he muttered against her skin and Rosaline couldn’t help but giggle. 

‘I’ve no idea where it is.’ she breathed out and she could feel his chuckle as his lips trailed down her neck, stealing her breath.

They made it to the bedroom, eventually. 

He fumbled with her dress for a few seconds more she would have expected, but that clumsiness and slight shaking of his fingers was in fact kind of sexy. 

How long it was since someone had undressed her that way? When all their movements were showing her how much desired she was?

Shiver run down her body as she stood there just in her underwear, her fingers finding buttons of Benvolio’s shirt while she kissed him passionately. 

He stilled for a second when she reached for the first button, but a second later he kissed her back and Rosaline didn’t even think about it, not until his shirt joined her dress on the floor. 

The only source of light was a small night lamp so Rosaline didn’t notice it at first. But when she pressed her hands to his torso she felt something under her left palm. It was as if the skin there was more smooth and a bit raised, definitely different. She broke up the kiss with a small gasp and her eyes followed her hand. 

Skin on Benvolio’s left side was darker than the rest of his body and for a second Rosaline thought it was a bruise, starting right under his armpit and ending above his hip. But then in a dim light she noticed that the mark was a mix of purple and that her touch apparently wasn’t causing Benvolio any pain. She raised her head to look into his eyes, her mouth already forming a question when Benvolio’s hand cupped her cheek gently, his thumb caressing her bottom lip.

‘Please.’ he whispered, resting his forehead against hers ‘Please, don’t.’

So she kissed him, becasue that was the only thing she could do in that moment. Becasuse if she didn’t, she would start to think, to ask and to analyze. That was something that Rosaline was normally doing. 

Just not that night. 

So she let them fall onto his bed and get lost in his touch and scent as she fell apart in his arms piece by piece. 

When she woke up the night lamp was off, but it wasn’t completely dark outside as dim light was creeping from behind the courtains. 

Her first thought wasn’t that she had made a mistake. It wasn’t panic. It was realization that she hadn’t felt so calm in a very long time. 

Maybe it was still wine circling in her veins. Or just longing to be touched and devoured. 

Maybe it was that. Or maybe something entirely different. 

Benvolio was sleeping right next to her and she wondered briefly why they weren’t touching, but that thought disappeared when she looked at his face. He looked calm and somehow even younger, his face relaxed as he was breathing steadily, his chest raising rhytmically. 

Rosaline’s eyes travelled once again to his torso and her heart clenched painfully when she saw that damaged tissue on his side. She reached out and carefully touched the skin there. 

She thought that it could be a burn. 

Benvolio exhaled deeply and Rosaline’s fingers stilled, her eyes darting to his face. 

He was awake, but he wasn’t looking at her, his eyes glued to the ceiling. Rosaline propped herself on her elbow, examining his face carefully, her hand still on his side. 

‘I was sixteen.’ he said suddenly ‘I still didn’t have my driving license so I was sitting in the back.’

At first Rosaline didn’t know what he was talking about. But then the memory hit her. Benvolio had been adopted by his uncle nine years earlier, at the age of sixteen. She felt a lump in her throat as she realized what he was about to tell her. 

‘We had this tradition on their wedding anniversary. There is this small town on the coast, a few hours from here; we’d go to the same B&B and have long walk on the beach. Just a family weekend out of the city.’ 

Rosaline felt tears gathering in the corners of her eyes and she blinked them away quickly. When she had lost her parents she was younger that Benvolio, but she knew how much it hurt. God, she knew that too well.

‘I don’t remember that well.’ Benvolio whispered, his eyes still fixed on one spot on the ceiling ‘I just remember that something hit us and pushed us off the road. I remember the fire.’ he let out a shaky breath and finally looked at her, his eyes shining as he was on the verge if crying. 

His gaze was so intense and full of emotion that it was suddenly too much for Rosaline, so she just bend over and pressed her lips to the red mark on Benvolio’s side, placing soft kisses on the damaged tissue. 

Benvolio let out the sound that sounded like a sob and a second later he was pulling her into a kiss that was half sweet and half desperate, and tasted a little bit like salt.

It hit her when she woke up to the empty bed a few hours later. Her mouth was dry and her body was tired in that special kind of way, but her mind was clear. She closed her eyes, trying to slow down her racing heart. 

What had she done?

Rosaline wanted to yell at herself for being so weak. She had been so determined to do this right, but in the end it didn’t matter, because she had given up everything for one night.

It had been a great night. Probably the best of her life.

I didn’t matter. It couldn’t matter. 

Benvolio’s face flashed in frotn of her, the memory of his touch lingering on her skin.

She would probably break down if Benvolio didn’t enter the room in that moment, wide smile on his face and cup of tea in his hand.

‘Hi.’ he said as he made his way to her and placed a short kiss on her lips. Rosaline’s body reacted without her will as she kissed him back and smiled, taking a cup from him. 

‘Hi.’ she managed to replay and she took a quick sip, hoping that hot liquid would help her to calm down a little. She glared at his face and she immediately looked down at her cup again, still not able to look at Benvolio’s face. She hoped he didn’t notice.

‘Any special wishes for breakfast?’ he asked, his fingers catching one of her curls and she let smile blossom on her face again. 

‘What about: I’m gonna go to take a shower and you’ll have time to surprise me.’ it came out lightly and playfully, just like she wanted. Benvolio chuckled at that, all giddy ind smiling, and Rosaline felt as if something was trying to rip her heart off. 

‘Sounds like the plan.’ he said and kissed her cheek ‘Come on, I’ll show you where’s the bathroom.’

It took all Rosaline’s willpower to follow him and joke about using his shampoo. 

She closed the door, stepped into a shower and turned the water on. 

And that was when she let herself to cry, one hand covering her mouth and the other placed on the shower wall. She cried not because she had made a mistake. She cried, because she realized that she couldn’t even call it a mistake. 

Rosaline cried, because she cared about that man, who was now in the kitchen, preparing her breakfast. He was funny and kind, and had already witnessed too much cruelty and sadness. And now he cared about her too, she could see that, she could sense that with every fibre of her body. 

It wasn’t just about Livia now. It was now about her, it was about Benvolio and how much damage she could make to both of them. 

She had never wanted to do it that way. She had never, ever wanted to be that kind of person. 

Who she was now?

Rosaline wished she could stay in the shower together, or just had enough time to decide what to do. But it wasn’t that easy, so after fifteen minutes she stepped out off the shower and washed her face in cold water so there was no sign of her crying left. Then she wrapped herself in Benvolio’s bathrobe, put on a smile that almost didn’t look fake and went to the kitchen.

‘Perfect timing.’ Benvolio smiled to her from across the table as he was setting two plates with pancakes on it. He looked at him, shirtless, with a wide smile on his face and ruffled hair, and her heart ached. ‘I hope you’re hungry.’

‘It looks delicious.’ she said as she said down and started eating immediately, so she didn’t have to speak too much. 

They ate in silence, but it seemed to be perfectly comfortable for Benvolio, who was gazing at her every few seconds, that grin of his still on his lips. But the meal ended way to quickly and Rosaline yet again didn’t know what to say, and she could see that Benvolio was waiting for her to speak first. 

‘Could you give me a ride home?’ she blurted out without thinking, because that was the place she wanted to be right now, safe and alone. Rosaline knew that it wasn’t probably a good thing to say as she watched Benvolio’s smile falter. 

‘Of course.’ he said, athough his eyes were saying something different ‘Of course, I just... Give me a few minutes to get myself ready. I’ll be in the bathroom so you can dress up in my bedroom.’ he got up quickly and Rosaline’s eyes caught the sight of his scar again, and it was suddenly so hard to breathe yet again.

The ride to her apartment was quiet. Rosaline could sense that Benvolio was confused and a bit hurt, but she couldn’t bring herself to look at him, to talk to him. 

She fucked up. She fucked up and there was no good solution now. She couldn’t be with him and she couldn’t just cut him off like that. 

They parked right in front of Rosaline’s building, but Rosaline didn’t get off immediately. It was like something was holding her back in the spot, not letting her leave.

‘Listen, Rosaline.’ Benvolio spoke and Rosaline finally brought herself to look at him; he looked at her with seriousness and soemething deep in his eyes, something she was too scared to interpretate. ‘Rosaline, have I done something wrong?’

She could see doubt and hurt on his face and all she wanted to do was to say that he was perfect and that she couldn’t wait to spend more time with him. But she knew she should tell him that she never wanted to meet with him again, ever. 

But she was weak, way too weak to do any of that.

Rosaline leaned over quickly and pressed her lips to Benvolio’s mouth; for a second her didn’t react but then his hand travelled to her cheek, trying to pull her closer. But she was already backing off and she left the car before he had any chance to stop her. She rushed upstairs and went straight to her room where she threw herself on the bed, her whole body shaking slightly. She was on the verge of breaking down before she reached for her phone to turn it off. And then she froze, air leaving her lungs and not going back. There was one unread message that pushed her right on the edge, leaving her a sobbing mess.

_ G. Capulet _

_ I hope you’re working hard on getting the information out of that Montague. Your little sister is counting on you. _

 


	7. Keep chasing echoes of my mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brand new chapter for you, hope you enjoy!

 

Rosaline prepared herself a cup of tea and turned her laptop on. She fought the urge to open her facebook, because she knew what she would find there. It was enough that she turned her phone on and was confronted with all the mesaages and missed calls. Apparently her aunt didn’t like that Rosaline hadn’t answered her previous text, so she had sent her two more and left a voicemail, wanting to meet her as soon as possible. There were two missed calls from Livia too, but nothing from Benvolio. 

She tried not to think about it. She had no right to expect anything from him.

She had seen him two days earlier and she finally managed to collect herself. Well, not entirely. But at least she wasn’t crying in her bed anymore. She still wasn’t good, of course. She was so far away from being okay as possible, but she decided she would manage, just like she could deal with anything in her life. 

Rosaline was pretty good at living with constant heartbreak. 

She spent next fifteen minutes on writing an email to a few publishers; she once again re-read three stories she chose to send them and when she decided there was nothing more to add, she hit send. 

It felt a bit surreal. She was writing half of her life, but she had never had enough courage to do anything about it. 

Apparently now there was nothing she wasn’t capable of.

Her phone ranged harshly, breaking silence of the morning. Rosaline flinched shen she saw a caller ID, but she knew that she had to answer finally.

‘Hi Amy.’ she greeted his uncle’s assistant. Rosaline always liked her and there was no reason to be rude for her; she was just a messanger, because apparently her uncle didn’t have eneough time or nerve to call her himself ‘What’s the matter?’

‘Your uncle wants to meet with you.’ Any sighed in a very unprofessional way and Rosaline almost smiled. ‘And let me tell you, he looked very displeased with everything.’

‘More that usual?’

‘Yeah, I didn’t know it was possible either. Anyway, does four works for you?’

‘Five.’ Rosaline said, not because she had so much stuff to do, but just because she could.

‘Okay then.’ Amy chuckled quietly ‘Take care, Rosaline.’

‘You too.’

The call ended and Rosaline’s fingers hovered over Benvolio’s name, but after a moment of fighting with herself she put the phone down. She might have a plan what to do with her life, but she still didn’t know what to do with Benvolio. She cared about him, more than she had ever expected. With him, she felt good; she felt, as if she could love and maybe, be loved again. But she just couldn’t bring herself to look at him and hide the truth from him, and she also couldn’t imagine telling him everything. She was too damn weak for that.

Anyway, he hadn’t called, hadn’t written. Maybe he was so hurt by her actions that he decided to just gave up on her. She wouldn’t blame him, of course. 

It hurt so much. 

Rosaline shook her head, trying not to think about it again. She had cried enough already. 

She hadn’t eaten much for last two days, but she decided she would need to gain some strenght before meeting with her uncle, so she put on some comfy clothes to make a quick trip to a grocery store.

Rosaline still wasn’t ffeeling any hungry, so shopping for food wasn’t exactly the easiest thing to do. Finding something that would look at least a bit appetizing seemed like a very difficult task. Rosaline sighed heavily as she looked at full shelves, feeling helpless. Grocery shopping had never been so difficult before. 

She finally started putting some fresh vegetables into her cart when she heard someone calling her name.

‘Rosaline?’ she turned around and saw a man walking in her direction. He seemed a bit familiar, but she had no idea where she had seen him before ‘Rosaline Capulet?’              

‘Yeah?’ she nodded, eyeing him suspiciously ‘Excuse me, who are you?’

‘Mercutio.’ the guy said, smiling at her briefly ‘I’m Benvolio’s friend. I’ve seen you at the club you two met, but technically, we haven’t met.’

Rosaline’s heart skipped a beat and then started beating rapidly, making it suddenly hard to breathe.

‘I’m not stalking you.’ Mercutio said, smiling a bit wider ‘I actually live a few block away. But I spotted you and... uh, I guess I’d like to talk to you.’

‘Is Benvolio okay?’ the question escaped her lips before she had a chance to think, and she could feel heat raising in her cheeks as Mercutio narrowed his eyes slightly.

‘Yeah, about that...’ he coughed, looking a bit unconfortable ‘He’s kinda miserable.’

Rosaline’s throat went dry, her heart beating so fast it was almost painful. She couldn’t manage to form any words, so Mercutio continued, looking at her with some kind of sympathy in his eyes.

‘Look, I’m not judging, you know. I don’t know you and for sure I don’t know everything about what happened between you, but Ben’s really in a pretty bad stage right now. Like, he’s freaking out that he’s done something wrong, you know?’

‘He didn’t do anything wrong.’ Rosaline managed to say, her voice hoarse. She was close to have a mental breakdown on the middle of a grocery store. 

‘That’s what I thought, he’s usually pretty decent when ot comes to dealing with girls. My point is, he really cares about you, you know? He won’t call you first tho, he wants to give you space and all, but he’s kinda freaking out. So, you know. If you could call him when you’re ready, that’d be great.’

Words were leaving his mouth in a speed of light and Rosaline’s head was spinning. It was too much.

‘Hey, are you okay?’ Mercutio asked and she felt him touching her elbow carefully ‘You look as if you’d pass out in any second.’

‘I’m fine.’ she said a little bit breathlessly, looking into his face. 

She had expected to see some kind od judgement, he was Benvolio’s friend after all, but instead she saw sympathy and some strange sadness.

‘Take care of yourself, Rosaline.’ he said softly and walked away, leaving her utterly confused.

Rosaline was sitting in her uncle’s office and she felt exhausted. Nothing had changed since her last visit; same walls, same clock in front of her, same plant next to a window. Everything was so flawless and awfully fake. Her uncle, however, didn’t fit into that pattern. He looked tired and uncomfortable, as if he didn’t want to have that conversation. 

Maybe he didn’t. Rosaline knew that this whole sick idea was her aunt’s. She almost felt sorry for him; almost, because it was his fault that he was so weak and easy to control. 

‘So, Rosaline...’ he started and he looked miserable, and Rosaline didn’t have time for that. 

‘I’m not doing this.’ she said and her uncle blinked a few times, clearly surprised ‘I can go back to work if you want me to, but I’m looking for other jobs too, now that I’ve to help Livia.’ she said, and she was surprised how emotionless she felt. Her words were steady and blank, and she felt absolutely nothing except exhaustion. 

Her uncle opened his mouth, absolutely stunned. 

‘Rosaline...you agreed that you’d do this. For yourself and your sister.’ he finally managed and she bit back a bitter laugh.

‘I can’t believe I did that. I feel sick when I think about it.’ she took a deep breath and looked him straight in the eyes ‘I’m not the person you wanted me to be. I never was and I never will. You can tell my aunt that.’

It was all she had to say, so she didn’t even wait for her uncle to do anything- she simply got up and left, as tired as before, but feeling a little bit better about herself. 

She called Livia as soon as she came home.

‘Hey there, big sister.’ Livia greeted her and Rosaline could sense that she was relieved ‘I was starting to worry, you weren’t answering my calls.’

‘Just had some things to deal with.’

‘Is it connected with that mystery guy you’re seeing?’ Livia asked greedily and Rosaline let out a chuckle that sounded more like a sob than anything else. Livia, of course, noticed immediately. 

‘Rosaline? Are you okay?’

‘I just...’ she coughed, her voice getting hoarse ‘I was wondering if you could come home soon. I haven’t seen you in forever.’

She didn’t want to be a burden to Livia, but she needed her desperately. She needed someone to talk to, she needed a friend. She needed her sister. 

‘Yeah, of course. I think I’ll manage next weekend?’

‘That would be great.’ Rosaline smiled, feeling tears prickling in corners of her eyes and blinking them away quickly ‘Can’t wait.’

‘Rosaline...’

‘I gotta go. I love you, Liv.’

‘Love you too...’

Rosaline took a deep breath and wiped one tear that escaped and run down her cheek. 

She was glad that she had confronted his uncle, but she knew that it was far away from being over. Her aunt wouldn’t give up easily, so Rosaline expected to get a call from her very soon. 

Also, she had to think what to do with Benvolio. 

Maybe he deserved to know the truth. To know how awful person she was and how much she was about to hurt him. 

Or maybe he deserved to forget about her and go back to how it used to be. Rosaline really hoped it was possible.

She thought about what Mercutio had said and she took her phone again.

_ I’m sorry about everything, but I’m dealing with some personal stuff and I really need time. I just want you to know that you didn’t do anything wrong.  _

__

Rosaline flinched when she reread the message, the words feeling odd and awkward, as if she was stuttering. But she didn’t really had much choice, so she just pressed send.


	8. you mistook my love for desire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise the next chapter will be up this week :D

 

When Rosaline heard that characteristic sound of skype call she was pretty confused. Her first though was that Livia wanted to talk, but they didn’t do skype that often. Concerned, she ran to her desk and was immediately slapped with Juliet’s name flashing on the screen. It had been a week since she had contact with her cousin, but Juliet haven’t mentioned that she would like to call her. Now concerned beyond imagination, Rosaline sank on her chair and clicked the green button.

‘Hey there, Ros.’ Juliet welcomed her warmly and Rosaline was once again striked by a change in her behaviour. She had noticed that some time earlier and she had to admit that it was a good change; Juliet was clearly more mature now, more calm, not this reckless spoiled girl she had used to be. Maybe that runaway with Romeo was a childish idea, but it definitely helped her grow up.

‘Juliet, hi.’ Rosaline moved a bit closer to the screen ‘Are you okay? Is everything fine?’ she asked quickly, but Juliet just shook her head, slight smile playing on her lips. 

‘We’re okay, Ros. I just wanted to tell you that me and Romeo talked and... we decided to come back.’

Rosaline’s mind went blank and all she could do was to stare at her cousin, not believing her ears.

‘We still don’t know exactly when exactly, but I guess it should take two or three weeks till we’re prepared.’ Juliet explained calmly and Rosaline had to close her eyes for a moment to calm her mind down an focus. 

It felt surreal after all this time them being away, to announce their coming back so calmly, as if it was not a big deal. Rosaline suddenly felt sick; it was too much for her, too much to think about, too much problems to solve. She didn’t want that, she didn’t wand any part of it, she just wanted to curl somewhwere warm and wait for it all to pass. 

‘Rosaline? Are you okay?’ 

‘I’m...’ Rosaline swallowed hard, feeling herself drifting away ‘I’m happy, but I can’t...’

‘Ros? What’s happening?’

‘Jules, give me a second, okay?’ she didn’t wait for her cousin’s response; she got up and rushed to the kitchen; she poured herself a cup of water and drank it slowly. It wasn’t that she didn’t care about Romeo and Juliet, about the fact that they were coming home. She was just so tired, shocked, confused. She had always been the responsible one, the one who always put others first, but now she felt too exhausted, too emiotionally drained to do that. She took a few deep breathes before she came back to her bedroom and sat in front of the screen.

‘Rosaline? What’s going on?’ Juliet asked, worry clearly visible on her face.

‘I’m so happy that you’re coming back.’ Rosaline said honestly ‘But I can’t do it right now. There’s something I need to figure out and... I need to put that first now.’

She was scared that Juliet would feel offended or hurt, but she just smiled at her softly.

‘Can I help somehow? Do you want to talk?’

‘Not now.’ Rosaline shook her head. 

‘Okay.’ Juliet said quietly ‘We’ll meet soon and we can talk about it if you want.’ she smiled lightly, and it was such a reassuting, soft sight that Rosaline felt tears prickling in the corners of her eyes ‘I love you, Ros.’

‘Love you too.’ Rosaline managed to say before the call ended and she had to take a few moments to calm herself down and not burst into tears. 

‘Oh, how I love this place.’ Livia sighed, throwing herself onto Rosaline’s sofa and she had to smile a little. Her sister was in the city for a little over an hour but it already seemed brighter. Easier, although Rosaline hadn’t told her the whole story yet. She felt and ache in her chest everytime she thought about it. She was hurt and ashamed, but she desperately needed to talk with someone about it and that person was her sister. 

‘So, Rosaline.’ Livia straightened up and looked at her ‘What’s the matter?’

‘I screwed up.’ Rosaline said, suddenly scared to look at her sister ‘I screwed up so bad.’

‘Hey.’ Livia strightened up and took Rosaline’s hand into hers ‘What’s going on? Is this about that guy?’

Rosaline nodded weakly and let out a shaky breath. It was already so hard and she hadn’t even started yet.

‘I’m sure it can’t be that bad.’ Livia tried to reassure her, but Rosaline shook her head. It felt as if there was no way to fix it. She took a deep breath and finally looked at Livia, who was watching her with concern. 

‘Uncle won’t pay for your school anymore.’ Rosaline managed to say and she watched as Livia’s eyes widen in shock. 

‘What? Why?’

‘It’a all my fault.’ Rosaline felt tears prickling in the corners of her eyes. It was awful how much she had cried lately.

‘Tell me exactly what happened.’ Livia ordered, her eyes hard as steel, demanding an answer. Rosaline swallowed, trying to get rid of a lump in her throat. 

‘They told me to get some information about the Montague Company or they would stop pyaing for your school.’ Rosaline knew that it wasn’t enough, that it wasn’t even half good explanation, but the truth was still too painful and she was too ashamed. 

‘I want to know everything.’ Livia urged, squeesing her hand lightly. 

‘I had to get close to Benvolio Montague and get information out of him.’ she whispered ‘And I agreed. But it was wrong of me to ever do that, I don’t... I told uncle I wouldn’t do it, a few days ago.’ Rosaline was now talking quickly, desperate to get it out as fast as possible ‘I’ve sent some of my stuff to a few publishers and I’m looking for some other job. You’ll finish school, I promise.’

Livia was silent and Rosaline decided that she would give her some time to process all of that. Her houghts drifted away to Benvolio and once again she felt that ache deep in her chest. It was becoming a new element of her life- that constant, hollow pain that was creeping into her soul. 

‘I’m so sorry.’ she whispered and she wasn’t sure if it was meant for Livia or for Benvolio. Or maybe for the both of them.

‘Oh, Rosaline.’ Livia sighed ‘Why didn’t you tell me earlier?’

‘I didn’t... It’s my job to take care of you.’ Rosaline said and one tear ran down her cheek ‘And I felt... I feel so ashamed. He didn’t deserve that.’ 

‘Benvolio?’ Livia asked and Rosaline nodded, her heart pounding painfully. 

‘You really care aabout him.’ Livia said softly.

‘I don’t deserve him.’ Rosaline said quietly ‘I almost destroyed his life and he’s been through enough. He deserves so much better than that.’

‘Does he know?’ 

‘No.’ Rosaline shook her head ‘I couldn’t... I think that me disappearing from his life is the best I could do for him. It feels less like a betrayal this way.’ she said, words burning her lips. Tears finally started falling down her face, her words turning into sobs. She felt Livia’s arms around her and she let herself cry on her sister’s shoulder.

‘I can find something.’ Livia said, pouring hot water to their mugs ‘There’s plenty of job offers around the campus.’

‘No.’ Rosaline shook her head ‘I’ll find something...’

‘Rosaline.’ Livia gave her a gentle smile ‘We’ll manage, okay? We’re a team, remember?’ 

‘Yeah.’ Rosaline agreed, smallest of smiles growing on her lips ‘We’re a team.’ They would go through it, somehow. They would be okay. 

Her phone buzzed and Rosaline reached for it, thinking that it was probably Juliet again. But then her heart stopped and wave of heat flooded her whole body when she saw a text from Benvolio Montague.

_ We need to talk. I’ll be at your place in 10 minutes. _


	9. don't let your mind speak louder than your heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst. Drama. Feels. Enjoy!

 

‘Oh my God.’ Rosaline whispered, staring at her phone in shock. For a moment everything went still, as if the time froze; she couldn’t hear Livia talking, she couldn’t see anything, it was just that bizzare feeling that she was going to fall apart. 

‘What’s happening? Rosaline?’ Livia asked, putting her hand on Rosaline’s shoulder.

Speaking was suddenly such a hard task Rosaline had to swallow a few times to be able to articulate anything.

‘He’s coming here.’

‘Benvolio?’ Livia asked and the sound of his name hit Rosaline like a truck once again. She was torn between a urge to run away and hide somwhere and despearte need to see him. It had been so long anshe missed him so much it hurt, she missed him so much it scared her.

She nodded, trying so hard to get herself together and convincing herself she was strong enough to do that. It had to be done. If he wanted to talk then she had to talk- she owed him that. 

‘Why’s he coming?’

‘He wants to talk.’ Rosaline said through clenched throat. 

‘Are you going to?’ Livia asked and Rosaline flinched at the words. 

‘Yes.’ 

Livia’s face melted into concern and sadness, her hand touching Rosaline’s cheek gently. 

‘I guess you don’t want me to be here. I’ll go to the bedroom and if something happens just call for me, okay? I’ll be only a few metres away.’ 

That was a good plan, a rational one. Rosaline knew that Livia couldn’t be there with her and Benvolio and she didn’t know if she was panicked or relieved because of that. Livia looked as if she wanted to add something, but she just squeezed Rosaline’s shoulder once again, giving her small, reassuring smile before going to the bedroom. 

Rosaline got up from her chair and went to the bathroom where she splashed her face with cold water. She glared at her reflection in the mirror then, and she looked far away from what she usually called normal. Her hair was a mess, a bunch of curls escaping her bun and falling on her shoulders; her eyes still a bit red, so if someone looked closely it was obvious she had been crying. She looked helpless, as if she was carrying a weight on her shoulders and she wasn’t strong enough.

And maybe it was the truth. 

She heard knocking to the door, a few short sounds that caused her heart jump to her throat. She went to the door on shaky legs, her heartbeat so fast and strong that for a moment all she could heart and feel was pulsing in her ears, blood circling like the storm. 

When she saw him Rosaline’s heart actually stopped for a second, only to come back to that painful pace a moment later. 

The first thing she noticed was his eyes; they seemed somehow darker than usual, slight shadows under them. He looked tired, exhausted even, and Rosaline thought that she was wearing the same expression she had seen just a few moment before in the bathroom mirror. 

‘Can I come in?’ he asked finally, his voice hollow as if he was trying to hide his emotions. She stepped aside without a word, letting him in and then following him to the kitchen where the stood on the opposite sides of the table, not quite looking each other in the eyes. 

Rosaline was desperately looking for something to say, anything, but everything she thought of seemed flat, wrong. 

Finally, he was the one to spoke first, his voice shaking slightly with emotions he was trying to hide so hard. 

‘I’ve got a message from Giuliana Capulet. I suspect you know what she’s written.’ 

For the first time in her life Rosaline thought that she was going to faint. The whole world went black for the shortest of moments and it was almost impossible to catch a breath as something heavy settled in her chest. 

Her aunt had told him everyhting, she could see that now, written all over his face. Why had she done that? Was it some kind of sick revenge? But how did she know how Rosaline felt about Benvolio? Why on Earth had she done that, destroying every remaining chance of getting that information out of him? 

Rosaline always knew her aunt hated her, she just didn’t know it was so strong.

‘Ben’ she tried, her voice coming out strangled and hoarse. He flinched at the sound of his name in her lips, as if that hurt him physically. 

‘I didn’t believe her at first. But it started to make sense to me, actually.’ there was a slight smile on his lips, as bitter as the tone of his voice. 

She wanted to explain. She wanted to tell him everything, beg him for forgivness, make him understand. But she understood, deep inside her heart, that there was no forgivness, not for her. 

‘Will you say something?’ he pressed, and Rosaline could hear that slight edge of scream in his voice, as if he just wanted to start yelling at her. She wouldn’t blame him for that, she could see how much emotions were flooding thorugh him, it was now written all over his face. For a moment she thought it would be easier if he just yelled at her, pour all that anger and disappointed. It would be easier to bear that looking at that wounded expression he was wearing.

‘I’m so sorry.’ Rosaline said quietly and actually that made her feel better for a second, a brief moment when it was suddenly so much easier to breathe. There was a shadow in Benvolio’s eyes and she realized that some part of him hoped she would deny. 

Rosaline suddenly felt numb, too tired and too helpless. She just wanted it to be over, she didn’t want to look at that wounded expression on his face, she didn’t want to see his eyes filled with sadness and utter betreyal. 

Her mind wandered for a moment all these memories she had been trying keep away for the past few days. His smile when she had taken him to that art gallery. How young and calm he looked when he was asleep. The scar on his side and softness of his lips on hers. 

‘Just tell me why.’ Benvolio asked, sounding as tired as she felt. 

‘They say I had to do this or they wouldn’t pay for my sister’s school.’ Rosaline said simply ‘And I just wanted her to have a better life. I wanted that for both of us.’ 

‘I guess you realized how fucking wrong it was by now.’ Benvolio spat out, his voice almost venomous. 

‘I’m so sorry.’ Rosaline said once again, half expecting tears to start gathering in her eyes, but nothing like that happened. Maybe it was true what they said, that sometimes you would just cry all your tears out. 

Benvolio took a deep breath and then he finally looked directly at her, their eyes meeting for the first time that evening. 

‘You should’ve told me.’ he said ‘I’d help you. God, I’d help you.’ 

Rosaline had thought about that at some point, but she remembered waving that idea off, too confused and conflicted to make that decision. Once again she windered if she had made a mistake.

Of course she had. She had made an awful much of them.

‘Why?’ she couldn’t help but ask, her eyes searching his face for an answer.

Benvolio opened his mouth as if to say something and for a second she could see in his eyes that soft light she had seen so many times before. But she blinked and then it was gone, replaced with an expression she couldn’t read.

He left, passing her by without looking back, so close that she could touch him if she wanted to.

She wanted to, of course she did, but she didn’t move, letting him walk out of her life without any other word. 

Tears still wouldn’t come, so Rosaline just stood like that, staring at the spot Benvolio had been stading only a few moments before. She felt numb, as if everything was drained out off her body. Everything felt surreal and she couldn’t even think straight. Livia came out of the bedroom and closed her in her arms, offering her some comfort. 

But all Rosaline could think about was that she wanted to fall asleep and never wake up again.

 


	10. I watched as the clouds began to part

 

Livia wanted to skip a few days of university, but Rosaline wouldn’t let her. After a weekend spent with her sister she started to feel a bit better. She still wasn’t in a good state, but she was able to function at a normal level for most of the time. She wasn’t a person with tendency to drama or overreacting, but she actually felt as if some part of her soul was torn apart the second Benvolio had left her apartment, walking out from her life.

Maybe he was never a part of her life, since it was all just a lie from the very beginning.

Rosaline tried to believe that, sometimes. She tried to convince herself that it didn’t mean that much and that all the pain she felt was just a phantom, that it was too strong comparing to the actual damage.

But it was bullshit and she knew it. She was gone the moment she had decided to enter his life.

At least her work situation was looking promising now; one publiher contacted her, asking for more of her stuff and already setting up a meeting. She also got an offer from one of local magazines to write a small column every week. Maybe it wasn’t anything big, but at least it was something; at that point it was more than she could ask for.

Juliet called her one more time, giving her a date of her and Romeo’s return. The would come to the city in two weeks and Rosaline was feeling nervous about that. She had told Livia about that, of course, and she assured her she would come to support Rosaline and Juliet. What was scaring Rosaline’s the most was how her aunt would react. She was sure that her uncle would be happy beyond imaginaition, but her aunt was a mistery. Rosaline just didn’t want to get involved in any family drama. She was tired of that.

Her aunt wasn’t in touch with her, nor was her uncle. He had enough decency to send her some stuff she had left at the company and he even wrote a note in which he was assuring her that they were still family.

He was a mistery too, in that case. He was always kinder than his wife, but rarely showed it. Maybe that time he just feel too much guilt and he was trying to make himself feel better. Probably.

Rosaline couldn’t help but do a research about an accident that Benvolio’s parents had died in. It felt wrong, as if she was inviding his privacy by looking that up, but she couldn’t stop herself.

It had been a tragic accident and Benvolio’s father had been a pretty importan businessman, so there was a lot of articles and press information. It looked like the whole city had been mourning death of mr and mrs Montague, but there wasn’t a lot of mentions of Benvolio. The only information was that he had survived and that his uncle took care of him. Rosaline suspected that there would be more if he had been younger then; but he had been a teenager, almost an adult.

Loosing parents didn’t get easier with age.

During some nights Rosaline was crying into a pillow, overwhelmed by emotions too hard to tame.

She cried for herself; for that girl that had make a choice, a mistake, and now she had to live with that.

She cried for that boy she knew, who was lonely and kind, and who didn’t deserve to be hurt so bad yet again.

Rosaline couldn’t help but create scenarios about what could have been. She knew she shouldn’t torture herself like that, but she just couldn’t stop. She dreamed about Benvolio forgiving her, understanding her. She dreamed about doing it all differently. She dreamed about falling asleep in his arms.

She wondered if the pain would go away eventually. She suspected that it would, after some years or maybe decades. But she also knew that regret would stay with her forever.

 

Rosaline wasn’t in a mood for going out, so when her high school friend called she wasn’t really convinced. But then she thought that maybe it would be good for her, to get out and try to focus on something else. Moreover, she hadn’t seen Stella for a few years, so she could use some catching up.

‘Hi!’ Stella smiled when she saw her and jumped off her stool to hug her ‘You haven’t changed a bit, still stunning!’

Rosaline smiled slightly at these words; she knew that she looked tired and she was sure she had lost some weight. But she didn’t comment on Stella’s words, seeing that she was truly happy to see her.

‘You look great, California suits you.’ she returned a compliment and Stella smiled widely.

The talk went smoothly; Stella was always a talkative person and Rosaline let her to lead the conversation. Stella was surprised that she had left her job, but she was happy that Rosaline was going to pursue her dreams in a different field. They talked about their jobs and living in California for a while, but then the subject changed to relationships. Stella started to moon over her boyfriend and Rosaline tried her best to smile and nod, while everything she wanted to do was to scream.

‘What about you?’ Stella finally asked ‘You and Escalus are still together?’

Rosaline almost laugh at that question. It seemed to be so long before now.

‘No. It’s really in the past?’

‘Seriosly?’ Stella looked surprised ‘You guys were perfect for each other. What happened?’

‘He chose his job over me. Went to Europe and left me.’ Rosaline shrugged her shoulder; she didn’t want to get into details, it was all in the past.

‘Okay, I’m not gonna push you.’ Stella nodded with understanding smile ‘I’ve run into my ex today too, so I get you?’

‘Which one?’ Rosaline asked jokingly and Stella elbowed her, laughing.

‘Oh, you don’t know that one, it was a summer fling right before college. You were out of city already. Shame I broke up with him tho, he’s a serious businessman now.’

‘What a tragedy.’ Rosaline said in the same tone; she tried not to give in into the feeling that started to overcoming her body again. She took a sip of her drink, hoping she could get a grip soon ar she would have to excuse herself and cry her eyes out in a bathroom.

‘Yeah, I could be mrs Montague now.’ Stella sighed dramatically and Rosaline’s heart stopped.

‘What?’ she asked weakly.

Stella didn’t notice change on Rosaline’s face, because her answer was cheerful and careless.

‘Benvolio Montague. Great guy, just not what I was looking for. But we’re on good terms.’ she looked at Rosaline closely and then she finally noticed that something was wrong ‘Rosaline? Hey, what’s going on? What’s happening?’

‘I’m sorry.’ Rosaline managed to say before she rushed to the restroom, hiding in the last stall and desperately trying to catch her breath.

Why universe couldn’t give her a fucking break?

It took her almost ten minutes and a lot of toilet paper to collect herself and leave the restroom. Stella was waiting for her, looking really worried.

‘Hey, Rosaline.’ she touched Rosaline’s shoulder lightly ‘What’s happening? Are you okay?’

For the briefest of moments Rosaline thought about telling Stella everything, but she shook that idea off quickly. They weren’t that close, beside that, she knew Benvolio. Rosaline didn’t want to risk it, she couldn’t.

‘I’m sorry, I’m having some personal stuff to deal with.’ she said and Stella’s face softened,

‘Hard breakup?’ she asked and Rosaline nodded weakly ‘Come on, I’ll give you a ride home.’ Stella said warmly and Rosaline had never been more grateful.

 

Livia called in the evening as she did every other day; Rosaline knew that she was worried and she wanted to check on her, but it was sometimes too much. Sometimes she just wished she could stay in a bubble with no connection to the world.

‘How are you?’

‘Fine.’ Rosaline sighed ‘I went out with Stella today.’

‘Oh really? How was it?’

‘It was nice to catch up.’ Rosaline decided not to mention her restroom breakdown.

‘I’m glad you’re not sitting closed at home.’ Livia sighed and Rosaline’s stomach clenched.

She didn’t feel like she deserved to be around people too much.

She talked with Livia for a little while and when she hang up she turned her computer on. She knew she should do some writing, now that she had a chance to make a living out of it.

She filled her biggest mug with tea and clicked some random spotify playlist. As the music began, she looked at a bunch of files ready to open. Her eyes wandered to one of them and she felt a painful sting in her heart as she read its title. She remembered how she talked with Benvolio about it, about that one story that didn’t have an ending yet. She hadn’t know what to write then, but did she know now?

Suddenly the music caught her attention, a song she had never heard before, but she somehow could feel it deep in her heart, pressure that was making it hard to breathe.

_For I'm so scared of losing you_   
_And I don't know what I can do about it_   
_About it_   
_So tell me how long, love, before you go_   
_And leave me here on my own_   
_I know that I don't wanna know_   
_Who I am without you_

Rosaline took a deep breath and started writing.


	11. my very thoughts are cursed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Umm, so I'm back? I'm still in a middle of a major writing block, but I'm trying to write my way out of it I guess. I'll try to be more regular with next updates, I promise (and this time I really mean to keep it). Thank you for sticking around!

 

After a few days Rosaline developed a new rhytm of the day. Wake up before eight. Breakfast, then work for a few hours or do some research for her stories. Eat, drink tea, go to a grocery store. She focused completely on her work, trying not to think about past or future. She kept going, blocking out thoughts that could cause her pain or distraction. She was proving to herself everyday that she was strong enough; that one day she would get over it, swallow regret that was still stuck somewhere in her throat. 

One day.

She didn’t want to deal with that. She didn’t want to be thrown into a middle of a drama between Romeo, Juliet and their parents. She loved her cousin to death, but she was too tired and too emotionally drained. But it was expected from her to be helpful, to be there for the other people. So she got up earlier than usual and prepared herself for her trip to the airport. She wished Livia was there with her, but she had some school stuff that kept her away. A part of Rosaline was glad- she didn’t want Livia in that mess. Her aunt and uncle made her life difficult enough. 

Rosaline put on her comfy jeans and a baggy sweater; she didn’t feel like dressing into ay special clothes. She cared pretty little about her looks recently, she felt more comfortable in something casual. While she was searching her closet for her sweater she caught a glimpse of bright yellow fabric and her heart clenched painfully in her chest. She took a deep breath and shook her head. 

Getting over it. Bit by bit, step by step, until it would be so far away in the past she would be able to breathe again.

Rosaline reached the airport after almost two hours- thank you, traffic- and she was already dreaming about a shower. It wasn’t even noon and all she wanted was to go home. But Rosaline knew there was no way she could do that, so she just found a free chair neat to the arrivals and she waited. She tried to keep her mind occupied with observing other people, guessing who they are and what they were doing at the airport. She liked to think that it was a good practice for her mind, quite useful when it came to her little writing career. 

Who was that girl waiting for? Boyfriend? Husband? She looked quite young, but that wasn’t a good clue. She didn’t look nervous, nested comfortably with a book in her lap.

And what about that guy, probably late twenties- early thirties, holding a simple yellow rose? That one had to wait for a gi... oh wait, was that his grandma? 

The scene playing in front of Rosaline was so adorable she could feel smile forming on her lips. There was always somethig heartwarming for her in just watching people showing love to each other. 

Deep in thoughts, she almost missed Juliet coming out of a door Rosaline was facing. And to be honest, she almost didn’t recognize her. 

Physically, Juliet didn’t seem to be much different. Her hair was shorter than before, cut nicely just above her shoulders; her clothes were also in a drastically different style- Rosaline was sure that Juliet she used to know wouldn’t wear that baggy green dress for any money. But it was maturity written on her face that made Rosaline wonder; her little cousin wasn’t a girl anymore, who decided to run a away with a boy she loved- she was a woman now. 

Rosaline got up clumsily but before she had a chance to do anything, Juliet saw her and her face lit up with a wide smile.

‘Rosaline!’ she cried out as she quickly walked towards Rosaline and closed her in a tight embrace. Surrounded by her warm precence, Rosaline exhaled deeply and sank into to hug, her body craving a physical contact. 

‘It’s so good to see you.’ Juliet sighed, giving Rosaline one last squeeze before she pulled back ‘I’ve missed you so much.’

‘I’ve missed you too.’ Rosaline admitted; she might have been tired and sceptical towards drama that was coming, but she really had missed Juliet, and seeing her right now reminded her how big piece of her heart was held by her cousin. Rosaline felt tears gathering in her eyes and she blinked them away; she hadn’t cried for the past week or so, she realized with some kind of surprise. 

‘Rosaline!’ she heard her name again; she glanced over Juliet’s shoulder and saw Romeo, who was walking towards them with two bags in his hands. 

He didn’t change that much; he still had that charming, boyish smile she remembered. 

‘Hi.’ she smiled as he dropped the bags and gave her a quick hug. ‘Great to see you.’

‘You too.’ she said honestly.

‘Thank you so much for coming, Ros.’ Romeo said and Juliet nodded with a smile ‘We really wanted to talk to you as soon as possible.’

‘Sure, I understand it. Are we heading to your place or...?’

‘Well, I think that it might be a mess after so much time of not being used.’ Romeo admitted, looking a bit embarassed ‘So we’ll crash for a few days at my cousin’s, we don’t wanna be recognized at any hotel too soon.’ he chuckled.

‘That makes sense.’ Rosaline nodded but then she froze ‘Your cousin...?’

‘Yeah, he’s also our driver today.’ Romeo smiled broadly and Rosaline’s heart stopped. 

Suddenly everything was in slow motion- her thoughts, her movements, Romeo waving to someone who was aparrently behind Rosaline’s back. 

‘And he’s here now, what a coincidence.’ Romeo added, not noticing Rosaline’s expression. Juliet, on the other hand, narrowed her eyes as she touched Rosaline’s shoulder gently.

‘Hey, are you okay?’ she asked, but Rosaline didn’t answer, her mind occupied with a silent plea  _ please, it can’t be him. _

‘Ben!’ she heared Romeo say, fondness in his voice, as he passed her and walked out of her eyesight.

She couldn’t move. She couldn’t breathe. 

‘Romeo!’

It suddenly felt as if it had been ages since she last had heard his voice. 

Get a grip, Rosaline. 

She had only few second to collect herself. She couldn’t let her personal problems be seen and she wished that she and Benvolio could be civil, for Juliet and Romeo’s sake. So she took a deep breath and turned around.

His eyes were already on her when she looked at him, his face and gaze unreadable and emotionless. There was no surprise for him so he probably had known before about Rosaline’s presence at the airport. She felt a sharp pang deep in her chest when their eyes met, the feeling she was trying to bury so hard making their way to the surface. 

Romeo and Juliet seemed to be blissfully unaware of the tension between Rosaline and Benvolio, as they quickly introduced them to each other. Rosaline almost laughed as she and Ben gave each other a short nod and tight imitation of smile before they all headed outside to find Benvolio’s car.

Luckily, she managed to sit in the back right next to Juliet; she couldn’t imagine sitting next to Benvolio, in the same spot she had kissed him for the last time. 

She turned to look through the window, she didn’t want Juliet to see emotions that were probably clearly visible on her face now. But then she felt Juliet’s hand on her shoulder and she knew that she failed.

‘Ros, what’s going on?’

‘I’m fine.’ she tried, turning to look at her cousin with the best smile she could produce ‘I’m just...’

‘Rosaline.’ Juliet cut her off gently ‘Just don’t deny, please. I can see it.’

Rosaline felt tears gathering in the corners of her eyes and she blinked them away quickly, suddenly overwhelmed by softneess and care she could see in Juliet’s eyes.

‘I’ll tell you.’ she said quietly, making sure that the guys in the front wouldn’t hear them ‘Just not now. I promise.’

‘Okay.’ Juliet smiled and it suddenly was like she had never left.

She was holding up pretty good until they walked into Benvolio’s apartment. Memories and feelings that flooded her were like an unexpected punch to a stomach, that would cause too much pain and steal your breath away. She glanced at Benvolio- they were great at ignoring each other at that point- and there was a flinch of pain on his face. 

_ What did you expect, Rosaline? You betrayed him and you broke you own godddamn heart on the way. _

‘Thanks for letting us stay here, Ben.’ Romeo said as they were seated around the kitchen table ‘And you know, for everything.’

‘Of course.’ Benvolio said and Rosaline for the first time in a long weeks saw him smile genuinely. 

‘You too, Rosaline.’ Juliet smiled ‘It’s a shame Livia’s not here tho.’

‘She had to be at school today.’ Rosaline said quickly and she could feel Benvolio’s heavy gaze on her ‘But she’ll come here as soon as possible.’

‘So, what are you planning on doing?’ Benvolio asked, a bit impatiently. 

Romeo and Juliet exchanged a quick look before Romeo spoke again:

‘I want to replace my father at the company.’

Rosaline for sure hadn’t expected that. It wouldn’t be that surprising- son intending to take over father’s place wasn’t that weird- but after him being away for so long, she just hadn’t thought about that. She risked and shot a quick glance towards Benvolio, who had a look of sudden understanding on his face.

‘What’s your plan?’ Rosaline asked and Romeo shrugged his shoulders.

‘Firstly I’ll just ask nicely.’ he chuckled ‘And if not...let’s say I’ve some interesting news that he might wanna hide from the world.’

‘That’s why you asked me for scans of some documents.’ Benvolio noticed, small smirk playing on his lips ‘What about you, Juliet?’

‘Well, I’ll try to convince my father to merge with yours.’ she said slightly and Benvolio almost choked on water he was sipping ‘I too hope he’ll give the company too me, but...’

‘This is crazy.’ Rosaline shook her head with disbelief ‘I’m sorry, but there’s no way it can go smoothly.’

‘We’re really hoping they would be enough happy to see us.’ Juliet said with a playful smile and it was more like the girl Rosaline had known. Juliet turned her face to Romeo who looked at her with loving smile ‘Also, we’ve some surprise for them.’

‘What’s that?’

‘I’m pregnant!’ Juliet announced brightly and for a moment Rosaline couldn’t make a word.

‘Oh my God, congratulation!’ she got up and walked towards her cousin, wrapping her hands around Juliet. ‘This is amazing!’

She heard Benvolio’s muffled congratulations, but she was too stunned to understand exact words.

A baby. Her little cousin was going to be a mother. It was surreal. 

‘That’s part of the reason we decided to come beck.’ Romeo admitted, his hand travelling to rest on Juliet’s stomach for a moment ‘We want our child to be surrounded by family.’ he added and Rosaline felt warmth spreading inside her chest, that soft, gentle feeling.

‘Kid before wedding? I’m disapponted.’ Benvolio joked and Juliet chucked.

‘Yeah, about that...’

‘No way.’

’...we just went to the city hall and signed some papers...’

Rosaline started to laugh. She couldn’t help it, it was as if she poured all her emotions into that laugh. It sounded like a happy laugh, even though her feelings about everything were a mess, and the rest soon joined her. 

‘I can’t wait to see your mother’s face.’ Rosaline managed to say after she calmed down a little and Juliet laughed almosy hysterically.

Rosaline raised her head and she met Benvolio’s eyes. It wasn’t the first time that day that happened, but it was the first time he didn’t break the contact immediately.

He wasn’t smiling, but his eyes were soft and bright, and Rosaline wondered if it wouldn’t be easier if they were filled with anger.


	12. I'm the same old, same old

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo umm my laptop died and I've lost all my old works and half written chapters and I was in hell.

 

They spent few hours on talking and catching up, before Rosaline realized it was time to go home. It was pretty late and she lived in an entirely different part of the city.

'I can give you a ride.'

Her heart stopped for a second when she heard Benvolio's voice. She did her best to put on a polite smile.

'Thank you, but I'll be fine.'

'Oh stop it, Ros.' Juliet cut in 'It's late and it'll save you at least half an hour.'

Rosaline opened her mouth to protest, but Benvolio was already almost out the door, and she really had no other choice than to follow him.

 

The ride was uncomfortable, at least for Rosaline. It was just too much for her, to sit there still, with her heart pounding in her chest, memories flashing thorugh her mind. And Benvolio was so close, only inches away, and every nerve in Rosaline's body was begging her to touch him, to ask forgivness, to admit, that she...

She shook her head and closed her eyes, trying to calm herself down. Just a few more minutes, just a little bit longer.

They finally reached her building and when Benvolio stopped the car Rosaline's hear was already reaching out to open the door.

'Rosaline.'

Her name on Benvolio's tongue made her body freeze. She turned around, slowly, and met Benvolios's gaze.

She almost forgot how bright his eyes were and her heart squeezed painfully in her chest.

'We'll see a lot of each other, I guess.' he said quietly and she saw how his hands gripped the driving wheel with strength 'So we've to... be civil.' he flinched at the word he used and Rosaline almost started laughing hysterically.

'Of course.' she said, putting her hand on the handle 'Sure.'

He looked at her finally, really looked at her, and Rosaline couldn't do that anymore. She wanted to tell him so many things. She wanted to apologize once again, she wanted to ask for a second chance, she wanted so, so much.

'Rosaline...'

She ran out from the car and rushed to her apartment.

She took a few deep breathes, trying to calm herself down. She managed not to start crying, which was a plus, definitely.

Benvolio was right, of course. They had to act normally, for their cousins' sake. Rosaline didn't think she would tell Juliet the truth, at least not now. They had so much things on their shoulders, with their crazy plan and baby on the way. Rosaline smiled slightly despite everything, thinking about her little cousin, married and expecting. It was unbelievable. But the most important thing was that they were family, together again, and it was her duty to be there for the. That was the kind of person she Rosaline Capulet was. So no matter how much it hurt to be close to Benvolio, to pretend that her heart wasn't breaking at the sight of him- she would have to deal with that. She had to.

 

* * *

 

Rosaline's stomach was tied in a know when she stepped out the car in front of Calupet's mansion. She hadn't been there for a long time and now she was coming unnounced, Juliet by her side. Romeo decided to stay in Benvolio's flat, which was pretty smart move. Rosaline was pretty sure her uncle would be furious if he saw him.

'You okay?'

Juliet smiled at her in response, her hand travelling to rest on her stomach, It was kind of inspiring to see her so calm, so different from an hyperactive teenager she used to be.

'Only a bit nervous.' she smiled and then pressed the doorbell.

Their old houskeeper Mary almost fainted when she opened the door.

'Juliet?' she gasped out, hand over her heart.

'Hello, Mary.' Juliet leaned to kiss the woman's cheek 'It's good to see you.'

Mary opened her mouth, but no sound came; she just started at them, eyes wide and shocked.

'Are my parents home? I'd love to talk to them.' Juliet added brightly and Rosaline almost started laughing watching the older woman's face.

'Living room.' Mary whispered and Juliet nodded.

'Great. We'll see you later.'

'That was priceless.' Rosaline muttered when they were walking down the corridor. Juliet just smiled and shrugged her shoulders slightly.

They didn't have a plan, really. Juliet just wanted talk to her parents, not mentioning her and Romeo's intentions yet, which was, again, a smart move.

Rosaline's heart sped up a bit, her mouth going dry. She really didn't want to see her aunt and uncle; she was scared that their would tell Juliet about that awful deal she had agreed on. The mere thought was making her blood run cold. She wouldn't stand seeing Juliet's reaction.

But at the same time she was feeling guilty that Juliet didn't know everything about her parents. But did she really want to spoil that reunion? Despite everything, Juliet loved her parents.

Her aunt was watching tv, her uncle reading a newspaper on the sofa, both blissfully unaware what was going to happen in a second.

'Hello.' Juliet said calmly as she entered the room, Rosaline half a step behind her.

The newspaper fell on the floor.

'Juliet?' Giuliana choked and Rosaline almost felt sorry for her. Almost.

'Hi.' Juliet said and Rosaline could sense that she was at least a little bit nervous 'It's good to see you. I've missed you.'

Juliet's father moved first, getting up from the sofa and walking to his daughter, closing her in a tight embrace. Rosaline took a small step back, the scene in front of her so intimate she didn't want to bother. Maybe she wasn't on good terms with them- rather on Arctica level- but still, she didn't want to be a third wheel in a family reunion.

Her aunt was still standing, like an ice statue. Her eyes and mouth wide open. She looked a bit ridiculous, but Rosaline decided to be polite and not to stare.

Her uncle finally let go of Juliet and there were tears in his eyes; Rosaline's stomach clenched a little when she saw how he touched Juliet's cheek with his shaking hand, his eyes softer than ever.

'Mom.' Juliet walked toward her mother and hugged her, a bit stiffly. Then she finally gave in and she embraced her her daughter back, and it was suddenly too much for Rosaline to handle.

She walked out of the room quietly and enetered the kitchen; it was just on the other side of a corridor, so she could always run back if Juliet needed her. She looed around, taking in the familair walls around her. She had spent so many hours here, doing her homework or baking.

It felt like a lifetime before.

She could hear muffled voices coming from the living room and everything seemed to be alright. She felt a bit guilty about leaving Juliet like that, but her cousin seemed to be handling situation pretty well. Rosaline sat on one of the chairs and pulled her phone out, checking her conversation with Livia. She read the last message her sister had sent and she couldn't help but smile a little bit.

_Wow, aunt's gonna get crazy! I'm coming on Thursday, don't burn down any buildings!_

Just two more days and then everything would be a bit better.

Then Rosaline heard her aunt's high pitched voice and she jumped off the chair and rushed to the living room. Juliet and her mother were now standing a few metres apart, Giuliana's eyes wide open and stormy. Rosaline stopped behind Juliet, not sure what to do.

'… with a Montague?' Giuliana spat out, her voice venomous 'He's the reason you were gone for so long.'

'No, mom.' Juliet shook her head, sad smile on her lips 'You're the reason I ran away. Romeo's my husband and I'll spend the rest of my life with him. But you're my family and I love you. Just... don't make me choose again.'

Giuliana's expression remained unchanges but there was a spasm of pain on her husband's face.

'I'll go now, but I'm not disappearing again.' Juliet sighed quietly 'I hope I'll see you soon.'

She turned around and smiled when she saw Rosaline.

'Let's go.' she said, grabbing her elbow and walking out of the room.

'You okay?'

'Yeah.' Juliet nodded with a smile 'It went better than I expected.'

'Sorry for leaving you there, but you were handling it so well and I didn't want to be distraction.

'Sure. I'm so grateful you're here with my anyway.' Juliet smiled broadly 'Hey, wanna grab a lunch? I'm starving!'

Rosaline almost chuckled at that sudden change of the mood.

'Sure.'

 

Juliet maybe wasn't hormonal and emotional, but for sure she was eating for two. Rosaline was watching with amusement how she was absorbing all that food.

'So, Rosaline.' Juliet sat back in her chair and looked at her with a slight smile 'Talk.'

Rosaline knew that he had two options- lie or make Juliet extremely sad. She didn't want that, but she had learned the hard way that lying was the worst thing she could ever do. So she closed her eyes for a moment and prepared herself to go through that pain once again.

'Your parents kind of blacmailed me.' she said with a wince and Juliet's eyes widened.

'What?!'

'They told me to do something or they wouldn't pay for Livia's school anymore.' Rosaline looked at her hands, feeling bad that she had to tell Juliet all of that 'I had to get close to a man and get some information out of him.' the pressure in her chest rose again; she swallowed hard, preparing for the worst part 'And I agreed. I didn't do that, in the end, but I hurt him. I was so fucking...' instead of feeling like crying she felt more like yelling at herself. God, she was so angry.

'Fuck, Rosaline.' Juliet exlaimed so loudly the other customers looked at her with surprise 'Why didn't tell me that earlier? I can't believe I just went there like that, hugged them both, and they were...'

'Jules, hey. They're your parents.' Rosaline reached out and touched her cousin's hand 'You know how it was between us, how it still is. They're both assholes to me, but they love you. And you... you shouldn't hate them. It's fine.'

'It's not fine, Rosaline!' Julier spat out, but then sighed tiredly 'I just remember all the reasons I left.'

'Hey. We'll be okay.' Rosaline tried to smile despite her clenched heart.

'Why they always make it so hard.' Juliet muttered to herself and Rosaline felt incredibly sad for her. Her parents would never treat anyone like that. They sąt in silence for a moment before Juliet looked at her again, her eyes curious and searching 'And what about that guy?'

Rosaline's heart fluttered. She didn't have enough courage, not yet.

'I broke his heart. And mine.'

'Oh, Rosaline.' Juliet's face softened 'Do you...'

'Can we leave that for later?' Rosaline cut her off 'I don't really... I just can't.' she finished weakly and Juliet smiled at her, smile both sad and compassionate.

'Of course, I won't push you.' she squeezed her hand in a warm gesture 'Hey, let's go and tell the boys how it went, okay?'

'Okay.' Rosaline smiled slightly.

It was sad how easy it was for her to fake a smile.

 

 


	13. learn to feign your feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me everytime I post a chapter: Sorry for a long wait, the next one should be up soon!  
> me after two months: so ummmmmmmm  
> Ily guys

Rosaline tapped her knee nervously as she looked outside the bus window, checking how far away they were from their destination. She could feel anxiety building up inside her, but she tried her best to swallow past the lump in her throat.

‘Hey, easy there.’ Livia smiled at her from her seat ‘It’s going to be okay.’

Rosaline doubted that, but she managed to smile. They were heading to Romeo’s old apartment, since him and Juliet finally had moved back there literally two days earlier. Romeo was supposed to be after meeting with his father and Rosaline was a bit afraid to learn what had happened. But she had made a promise to Juliet, so now she was bringing Livia with her.

Juliet almost burst into tears when she saw Livia and she rushed to hug her cousin, both of them laughing and talking with voices full of tears. Rosaline couldn’t help but smile while watching that reunion, the pressure in her chest a bit less painful.

‘I can’t believe you got married without us!’ Livia whined when they pulled apart and Juliet chuckled.

‘I’m really sorry, but we might have a retake sooner than you think.’ she winked and then took Livia’s hand ‘Come, Romeo and Ben are in the kitchen,

Livia looked at Rosaline, as if she wanted to check if she was okay. Rosaline gave her a small smile, despite the fact that her stomach twisted painfully.

Someday that feeling would go away. Sometimes it wouldn’t hurt so much and there would be nothing except regret that she couldn’t have been wiser.

‘Romeo!’ Livia exclaimed happily when she saw him and she almost jumped into his arms.

‘I’ve missed you too.’ Romeo chuckled as he returned the hug. Rosaline smiled at that, focusing on the scene in front of her, trying her best not to look at Benvolio. She was aware of his presence, she could see his silhouette by the corner of her eye, and she promised herself she would stay calm.

‘Livia, this is Ben, my cousin.’ Romeo said while he freed himself from Livia’s embrace ‘Livia’s Rosaline sister.’

‘It’s nice to finally meet you.’ Benvolio said, his voice nice and smile perfectly polite.

‘Same.’ Livia answered, her smile a bit nervous.

‘Okay guys, now everyone’s here we can sit down and we’ll tell you about our evil doings.’ Juliet chimed in ‘Anyone want something to drink?’

After a few minutes of messing around the kitchen they settled down in the living room and Rosaline stared at her cousin curiously.

‘So? How it went with Romeo’s parents? You look pretty calm.’

Romeo grinned widely and shrugged nonchalantly.

‘I told him he should let me take over all I’ll expose all his dirty secrets. Thanks for the files once again, my dear cousin.’ he nodded towards Benvolio, who smiled at him ‘Dad was furious, he practically kicked me out. It was hilarious.’

‘Well it doesn’t sound good?’ Livia said, confused, and Romeo smiled even wider.

‘He called me the same day and wanted to meet to talk.’ he explained ‘Then I dropped the grandpa bomb and that was pretty much it. He still wants to be the part of the company, but I think I won’t have too much trouble with him.’ Romeo chuckled, but Rosaline narrowed her eyes.

‘Honestly, it doesn’t sound like him. It went way too smoothly, you sure he would give up just like that?’

Romeo sighed, his smile faltering.

‘I don’t know, Rosaline. He was really mad in the beggining, but then- I think he’s slowly starting to understand all teh reasons I left.’ he shrugged and gave Rosaline some kind of apologetic smile ‘I know I need to be careful, but everyone deserves a second chance, right?’

Rosaline’s thorat was suddenly so tight she almost couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t help but glance at Benvolio, who was staring at his palms with a stone expression.

‘Yeah, I guess so.’ she managed to say, but luckily she didn’t have to say anything more as her sister decided to save her.

‘What about you, Juliet? Your parents know?’

Juliet shook her head, a slight grimace forming at her lips.

‘No. You know how my mom is, and adding what Ros told me-’ she stopped, giving Rosaline an apologetic smile ‘Anyway, I don’t know. I should tell them, of course, and I will, but I kinda don’t want to see them right now.’

Livia nodded with understanding and Romeo put a reassuring hand on Juliet’s knee.

‘It’s gonna be okay, baby.’

‘I know.’ Juliet smiled and Livia made a disgusted sound.

‘Ughhh, you’re disgusting.’ she said and Juliet sticked out her tongue.

‘You’re just jealous. Or maybe there’s some handsome future doctor around you?’ she wiggled her eyebrows and Livia giggled.

‘Maybe.’ she said teasingly but then shook her head ‘But seriosuly, no romances before finishing school.’

‘That sounds pretty drastic.’

Rosaline almost gasped when she heard Benvolio’s voice, but Livia kept her cool.

‘You think so?’

‘I don’t want to sound like I’m judging you.’ Benvolio said kindly ‘I think- I just hope you won’t regret it in a future. Sorry if I’m sticking my nose in your businness.’ he gave Livia a small smile and she returned it.

‘No, don’t worry. And... thank you.’

It was suddenly too much for Rosaline, her chest burning, her stomach clenching painfully.

‘Excuse me.’ she said with a poor imitation of a smile as she got up and made her way to the bathroom.

She splashed her face with cold water and met her own eyes in a mirror.

‘Get a grip, Rosaline.’ she told herself firmly ‘You’ve to go through it, and you will.’

It sounded vain to her own ears.

‘Hey Ros, you okay?’ Juliet asked when she came back to the living room ‘You look kinda sick.’

‘Ah, that’s what I love to hear.’ Rosaline tried to joke, but it fell flat ‘Guys, I’m fine, jut a bit tired.’

‘You’re probably working too much, aren’t you?’ Juliet asked with concern and oh, how Rosaline wished it was that.

‘Maybe a little bit.’

‘If you need money-‘

‘I’m okay.’ Rosaline cut her off quickly, as it became a bit awkward ‘Hey, what about showing us these famous photos from your runaway? You promised!’

‘Okay, okay, fine.’ Juliet laughed.

It was nice, to hear Juliet babbling excitedly about their lives for the past few years, Romeo making amused comments from time to time. It was warm and familiar, and Rosaline enjoyed it, she really did, but at the same time she was seriously tired. But when she suggested going home around nine, she was met with Livia’s big eyes and Juliet pout.

‘Noooo.’ her cousin whined dramatically, wrapping his arma around Livia ‘I still have so much to tell her. Oh, I’ve an idea!’ she beamed ‘Maybe Livia could sleep over tonight? We need to catch up so bad!’

‘I don’t mind.’ Rosaline smiled slightly. She would have plenty more time with Livia later, and she could see that her sister wanted to have some quality friend time ‘I’d stay with you a bit longer, but I’m really falling asleep.’

‘Get some rest, big sister.’ Livia smiled at her softly and Rosaline nodded.

‘Okay guys, see you soon, I think.’ she smiled slightly and she was about to leave when a familiar voice stopped her.

‘I’ll give you a ride.’

‘Aww, Ben, you’re such a gentelman!’ Juliet cooed, completely unaware of Rosaline’s panicking face and Livia’s frantic hand gestures.

‘You don’t have to.’ Rosaline tried, but Benvolio gave her a stern look.

‘You’re tired, Rosaline, I’ll give you a ride. I was going to leave soon anyway.’

Rosaline knew she couldn’t argue with him anout it in front of everyone, so she just gave him a nod and a tight smile.

‘Okay. Thank you.’ then she turned to Livia, who was looking at her with concern, and Rosaline did her best to look more brightly ‘Don’t oversleep, Livia, we’re having lunch together!’

‘Sure thing.’ Livia said with an encouraging smile.

The ride was quiet, just like before. But surprisingly, Rosaline wasn’t feeling as freakes out as in Romeo’s apartment. To be honest, she was really tired, work and stress taking a tool on her body. Benvolio was driving steadily, his eyes glued to the road, and Rosaline leaned on a headboard, letting out a quiet sigh at that comfortable position.

She woke up suddenly, confused beyond belief, not knowing where she was and what was happening. She blinked rapidly, trying to get used to a dim light, and she almost squeaked when she realized what had happened.

‘Welcome to the world of living.’

Rosaline’s head snapped to look at Benvolio, who was staring at her from the driver seat, sparks of amusement in his eyes. She felt her cheeks getting hot and sropped her gaze to her hands.

‘Sorry.’ she mumbled, her fingers fumbling with her seatbelt ‘You should’ve woken me up.’

Benvolio didn’t say anything, but she could feel his burning gaze on her face, and it only made her hands shake more.

‘Sorry.’ she repeated ‘Thank you for the ride.’

‘Rosaline.’ Benvolio said steadily and she had a weird feeling of deja vu.

She looked at him, finally, and his expression was conflicted. Once more, she wondered what was he thinking. She had betrayed him, she used him, and now he had to stand her company. It was hard enough for her, with all the guilt and regret, but she couldn’t even imagine how bad it was for him.

‘Yes?’

‘You remember the story you told me about?’

Rosaline’s heart almost jumped out of her chest at the memory. The dinner, Benvolio’s eyes on her, fluttering of her heart, the taste of his tears. It felt like a lifetime before. The last thing she wanted was to think about it, but she owed him something.

‘It’s still not finished.’

‘Because I’ve an idea.’ Benvolio cleared his throat, his gaze darting to meet Rosaline’s eyes ‘The girl does something really terrible, but the boy decides to forgive her. Because everyone deseves a second chance, right?’

Rosaline felt tears gathering in her eyes, her chest burning, but she managed to pull herself together.

‘Why?’ she asked, her voice barely louder than a whisper.

Benvolio smiled, a soft, honest smile she had missed so much.

‘That’s your part of the story.’

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, love you all!


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